The Cliff's Edge

This last month has been a big learning experience for me. I've been having several health problems for the last month or so. Starting in June I caught something odd.. I shared it here when it started. After some research and conversations with others, it turns out it was Parvo Virus. Not like the ones dog's get, but a human version. I mentioned feeling like I had the flu, and a cold all at once, and a general feeling of weird and yuck. After a week and a half of that I had a few days of recovery before Sterling and I both got strep throat and a cold. This was one of the worst colds of my life! I had a fever of over 100 for 4 days, and the entire sickness lasted me another week and a half. I had to take a course of antibiotics for 10 days to beat the strep, which left me absolutely nauseas for another week after the strep. Suddenly my sore throat was back, and my couch was causing extreme pain in my ribs. Just yesterday I was unable to lift anything with my left arm.. Yesterday I spent most of the day in bed battling a cough, sore muscles and nausea. I slept and slept and slept. (I'm seriously regretting the medication I took... I usually never take antibiotics!)

On top of all these health problems I've been struggling mentally and battling depression. I think it's safe to say that when the body is out of balance, the soul and mind get unbalanced too. I've been dealing with feelings of inadequacy and sadness when it comes to my work. This last week I've been able to over come quite a bit.

I've been taking great care of myself this last month, and especially in this last week.
Noticing all the negative health and mental problems in my life really inspired me to take action against it. I've energy cleansed my home and set up altars to deflect negative energy being sent to me. I took my knowledge of Rootwork, (which I think comes from a past life) and am working on uncrossing and jinx-removing myself and my home. So, if you've been cursing me.. beware. It's on it's way back to you. (insert winking face) Sterling and I discussed how "curses" work.. and how people need to be aware of their thoughts and actions more. Whenever someone thinks a negative thought of you or too you, it acts as a "curse." These negative energies just pile up around you and can have a huge impact on your life. People aren't even aware of when they are sending you curses, or negative energy.. and people aren't even aware of how often they are cursing themselves with their own negative energy!
So, this week has been a week of cleansing and putting up shields against negative energy being sent my way, even if it's from me.

I'm aware that I'm my worst enemy... Like I said, this last week has been a big lesson to me. I took a break from my art. By the 2nd day, I was itching to get back to it. I had several questions in my mind of why I do art, how I should do art... things like that. Very deep personal questions inside my sketchbook/journal.... I feel like I'm on one side of a cliff, trying to get to the other side. I know the side I'm on is no longer what's right for me. I'm feeling too safe here, too boring, too inadequate... and I'm trying to figure out how to get to the other side... looking for a bridge,  figuring out if I should jump and hoping I have the wings to catch me.

Like I mentioned, I had a lot of questions.. questions I couldn't even place into words. So, I left them. I left my art and my questions and I moved forward with other things. I cleaned my studio, cleaned my house. I did the things I loved. I had the desire to paint in the back of my mind every moment, but I left it. I gathered inspirations and I let my questions sit. It seems every night I would go to sleep with a question, I would wake up with an answer. Not because I thought about the question, but because I left it to my subconscious and higher self to figure it out.

I believe we truly have all of the knowledge and answers we need, they are just not always within reach during our waking moments. I believe in meditation, astral travel and connecting to your higher self, and I believe in leaving our biggest problems to our higher selves to figure out.

Taking a break from my conscious thinking has been great. Even being as sick as I have been has been a bit of a blessing. I can honestly say my conscious thoughts weren't working as they should. I was in autopilot mode most of the time and unable to process a lot of things... meaning my higher self got the time it needed to work things out and realign myself and my thinking.

Today I am a little bit more clear.. and I can feel things on the rise again. Riding the ups and downs of life sounds like a fun and simple term until you realize how utterly low the lows actually are... and that sometimes the lows last a very very long time.. And that pain and sickness are very real. But on the flip side, nothing lasts.. and change is always on it's way.. and as low as you can possibly feel, there is always the good times. And sometimes you can take action to rid the negative energy in your life, like what I'm trying to do... and sometimes you can look over the edge of your cliff and wonder what it would be like to try and jump to the other side.. and sometimes you have to jump and trust that you have wings.

(Queen Anne's Lace)

P.S.
Thank you all for the comments, messages and notes. I was at a very very weak time in my life.. feeling totally and utterly alone. Being honest on the blog left me feeling raw, open and vulnerable.. Yet out of the shadows came uplifting words of encouragement. It took me several days to gather the courage to face these words. When I did face them, I went through a whole box of tissues from my tears. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.



View More:

 

Anti-Depression

I'm happy to report this last month has been so much better depression wise. I've made tons of changes to try to beat this.. and I've learned so much over the years of dealing with this, and even more in just this last month. I know I am no expert in this, and I haven't quite conquered this depression all the way.. besides I don't think depression ever really goes away. But, I do know some tricks and tips to help keep it at bay. 

Below is a great video on depression. Showing how depression affects millions of people. And it's totally okay. It might always be part of your life, but it doesn't have to run your life. 

 My little brother, my mom and I share a lot of the same genes. We are all affected by gluten, we all suffer from headaches, and depression runs in that part of the family. My brother is on some anti depressants that seem to be working for him. He also went in for some x-rays to show a deviated septum, and some other complications in his sinuses that change the way oxygen flows into his brain that is tributing to the depression. Throwing his brain kind of off balance. He's going in for surgery on the 21st to try to fix his sinuses and breathing passages. My mom called me the day we found out about this news informing me that I most likely have the same issues since she does too. She asked me to call the doctor and set up an appointment to get the same brain scans and see. We talked about me going to see a doctor, getting back on depression medication, and seeing a therapist. I tearfully said I would consider it. 

I've taken that route, and I hated it. I took depression medication, and I talked to a therapist who was less than kind to me. He was belittling and even mocked the words I said. I took the medication, but the doctor wasn't there to help me with any questions. I know not all doctors are like that, and I must have gotten the worst of them. But the whole experience was traumatizing and scarring, making me ashamed of my own emotions and feelings. That was of course 4 years ago, and a lot has changed... in that four years I was able to heal on my own and recover a bit.  I agreed to see a doctor if I couldn't change things on my own within a few months, and I've been working very hard to do so. 

It comes back, off and on, but I know the signs, and I know the steps. I'm lucky to have a patient man who understands me, and I'm lucky to have my mother who now understands. I had suffered in silence for many years until my brother's depression came to surface, my silent cries became heard, even if I didn't want them to. 

Everyone handles depression differently. Medication works for some, while other's need a different route. I am planning on sharing my tips and tricks with you over time, but the first trick, is you must first be willing to fight it. People often say, "Make the choice to be happy. It's easy. " This is a tricky statement, because you DO need to make the decision to be happy, but it's easier said then done. Once you make the choice, things don'e magically get better. Instead you must make the decision to not be okay with depression. You must be anti-depression yourself.. You must be willing to fight it. Be willing to be open to change. Be willing to fight it. The first step to defeating depression is to be the anti-depressant yourself. Come to the decision, that your life isn't about not feeling, or feeling numb anymore. Decide for yourself that you want to feel again, and that you want to feel happy. 

The first step is "deciding to be happy." but don't expect that to be the last step. 

It's not the cure, it's only the first step. 

But, it's the most important one. 

source

View More:

 

Blooming

Somehow I end up missing posts over the weekend. I end up blogging on Thursday, and by blogging I mean posting outfit photos... and then I forget to blog again until Monday or Tuesday.

I spent some time with family this last weekend. It was a lot of fun and I got to talking to my little brother who is home from New York because of some medical issues. He's got a lot of the same issues I've been dealing with. Migraines, headaches, sleeping problems, depression. He's seen some doctors, neurologists and had an MRI. He's been on some medications for these problems and I'm starting to think I should get checked out too. But, with all the insurance stuff going on, I just don't have the money. I'm waiting to see what the insurance world will look like after my birthday this month... when I cross the age threshold of being able to stay on my parent's insurance.

This is just getting to be all too much lately. I can barely get out of bed in the mornings let alone worry about insurance crap and why I have headaches every since day. . Besides, I have too much to worry about with this book.. because while I'm busy working on this book, I'm unable to paint or push for sales in the Art Shop, so money is a bit tight right now..

This last week has actually been a bit better. I think my mood is waxing just like the moon. I've spent a lot of time this last week thinking of the things I can do to make myself happier. Not just thinking of them, but practicing them too. I've made some progress, and I want to share with you. Even if it's a weekly thing, because I do feel a difference, and I hope to help others too.

On top of dealing with the above... I've been dealing with the new rental agency... who is not much kinder than the last. They raised my rent with a promise to put insulation in, but now they won't be doing that until after I move.  It's tough to get ahold of who I need to, and the transfer of files from the last owner to the new owner didn't happen right, so I've had to be the one to track down forms and scan them in to the right place... because if I don't, the cracked tile that was here before I moved in would be my fault and I'd have to pay for it. It's been a frustrating mess, and I'm ready to move out.

Moving brings a sense of progression to me.. but I've been waiting to buy a truck, or rent one. I've been waiting to look for a place until I know if someone will take over this lease. My soul is craving a move, though my soul also truly adores this house. I'm just ready for a change.

I just need another me to help deal with all of this stress. Someone who knows the bills and passwords, someone who will help take some of the responsibilities off of my shoulders.. but then again... I don't think I would get along with another me... I can barely get along with myself.

I've been trying to surround myself in things I love.. like my new little garden. (Pictured above.)
We were at a small cafe and I told Sterling I wanted a plant. I reached my finger to touch it, and he popped off into my hand. So, I took him home with the intent to give him a better brighter happier home.
Also, over the New Moon I took the opportunity to plant some seeds of my own for my kitchen.
I planted some herbs and flowers to brighten things up. Chamomile, lavender, basil, and some peppers.

 I've also had a craving to surround myself with calcite. A very strong amplifier, with individual properties of it's own.. I have nearly every color now in my collection, but I'm still drawn to more.

I've also been doing more yoga, meditation and trying to listen to my body more.

When I was a child, I went to counseling for some abuse and trauma I suffered when I was young. My counselor was wonderful and very metaphysical, and at the early age of just 8 I learned about colors, chakras and body testing. I remembered she had a book called Feelings Buried Alive Never Die. I didn't remember that book until I saw it at a friend's house years ago.. and the memories flooded back. I bought the book shortly after and learned so much reading it. Whenever I have pain or an ache, I like to refer to the book. It often explains what's going on. My shoulders and back has hurt for about a year now, and reading this totally explains why.

Another great book is "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. Her book is colorful and uplifting, but her index includes the symptoms, but also an affirmation to help heal.  I love her books, and would and have recommended them.

I've also been doing huge chakra yoga and meditations. I've uncovered some deep seeded repressed memories and emotions buried in the Sacral Chakra, which is the chakra that sores memories, emotions and traumas from birth to the 20s... especially childhood. I mentioned above needing to go to counseling when I was a child.. this yoga and meditation is heavy stuff to go through.. It's left me feeling rather raw.

But, like my little kitchen garden.. Things won't bloom over night. A seed has a process of change to go through. Loving care, and some soil, sun and water will help shape the seeds and plants to grow into whatever they need to become. Love and patience is the key, but so is accepting things will have to get a little muddy first.





View More:

 

A Plea

Please be the winter blues.. Cause I can't take this much longer.
I've been very depressed. Again. I'm not sure when or if this will ever go away.
Or if this is something I will have to live with. Like always wearing a hood that keeps falling into my face..,
Or walking upstream a raging river, constantly tripping over a loose rock, being forced under the rapids.

And when you finally see clearly, or as clear as you can... you start to question the point of everything.
And everything feels so numb.. and so pointless.. and you kind of just crawl back into bed.

I'm searching my memory for how I used to cope with this.. How I used to get out of this, because I know I've done it successfully before. Even if it doesn't last long. It's better than this. Something... anything is better than this.

And I'm very thankful it's a new month, and the new moon is over... March used to bring me so much happiness, but all that changed a few years ago. Here is to hoping March will be a good month. A plea to myself to make it such.



View More:

  

Fear

I wish I had the words for a good blog post today. Sadly, I woke up sad and depressed from going to bed sad and depressed. As the day creeped on things seemed to get increasingly worse... And sadness has grown to anger. I haven't felt this angry in a long time. Of course anger is what hides a deep sadness and a deep hurt. It's what builds up the armor to keep us from getting hurt.  So, in fear of crying, I'm logging off for now.
I'll be in the studio painting today. Coming up with some pretty things to hide some ugly feelings.



View More:

 

Coming Up For Air

(Source)

I feel like I've been drowning lately.

Drowning in depression, anxiety, stress, self doubt and self hate. 

Drowning in my entire life.

But, I finally feel like I'm coming up for air. 

Getting out of bed has been the hardest thing for me. 

I've been so tired lately, and so depressed.

I was in bed until one last night, just because I didn't want to get up to face the day. 

I've shared this battle with you on the blog several times now..

and I really really appreciate all the love and support I've gotten.

I know I'm not the only one who goes through this.

I thought it might be Seasonal Depression, 

or loneliness from being home alone most of the time.

Maybe it was my depression all over again from my teen years..

or my depression during my previous marriage.

Though, this depression has nothing to do with Sterling,

 who has been incredibly supportive of my emotions.

I really didn't know what was causing this. 

It would take me hours to get out of bed. 

My alarm would go off at 9am, but I would finally roll out of bed at 1pm.

Then I would sit numbly on the couch for a few hours 

before finally convincing myself to shower and try to do something. 

During times of stress, like the holidays it's been even harder, 

because of my extreme numbness and fatigue.. 

I've had even less time. 

This has been one of the roughest patches of depression I've gone through.
It's making seeing the beauty in this world very very hard.

But, yesterday.. I had an "ah hah" moment.

I went to Sprouts for some kefir, because Sterling is on Antibiotics for his strep, 

he needs some probiotics to help his tummy...  

 I was walking through the supplement and herb section looking at the bottles.

A lot of the names were looking familiar.

That's when my "ah hah" moment hit. 

And I feel rather silly really.

I used to take vitamins!

Every morning, I would take a multi vitamin, 

some vitamin e, vitamin d, and a b complex. 

I used to take various other herbs, like Evening Primrose Oil, Ginkgo, 

and a few others that I can't remember off the top of my head.

Things for my skin, energy, and mental sharpness.

Each night, I take 5htp, and valerian root as well as a few other vitamins that are required twice a day. 

But, some point along these last 3-4 months, I stopped my vitamin intake. 

I remember the day I made the conscious decision not to take my vitamins.

"Ehh I don't need these. They stink, taste gross, and I doubt they are doing anything." 

Thinking back on it, I used to take my vitamins every day when I was teaching, and long before that.  

Same time each day, same vitamins.

And I could wake up at 7am ready to face the day. 

The bouts of depression were rare, and I was happy and energetic. 

I had less that, but got more done. 

Yesterday, whenI got home from Sprouts I took my vitamins. 

and it was familiar, because I used to take them so often. 

I know it normally takes a month or two for vitamins 

and herbs to get into your system and start being effective. 

But, this morning.. I actually woke up at 9 am, awake, and feeling happy. 

I'm hoping this was all that there was.
A vitamin deficiency. 

Because today has given me hope. 

I really needed that. 

View More: