Coming Up For Air

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I feel like I've been drowning lately.

Drowning in depression, anxiety, stress, self doubt and self hate. 

Drowning in my entire life.

But, I finally feel like I'm coming up for air. 

Getting out of bed has been the hardest thing for me. 

I've been so tired lately, and so depressed.

I was in bed until one last night, just because I didn't want to get up to face the day. 

I've shared this battle with you on the blog several times now..

and I really really appreciate all the love and support I've gotten.

I know I'm not the only one who goes through this.

I thought it might be Seasonal Depression, 

or loneliness from being home alone most of the time.

Maybe it was my depression all over again from my teen years..

or my depression during my previous marriage.

Though, this depression has nothing to do with Sterling,

 who has been incredibly supportive of my emotions.

I really didn't know what was causing this. 

It would take me hours to get out of bed. 

My alarm would go off at 9am, but I would finally roll out of bed at 1pm.

Then I would sit numbly on the couch for a few hours 

before finally convincing myself to shower and try to do something. 

During times of stress, like the holidays it's been even harder, 

because of my extreme numbness and fatigue.. 

I've had even less time. 

This has been one of the roughest patches of depression I've gone through.
It's making seeing the beauty in this world very very hard.

But, yesterday.. I had an "ah hah" moment.

I went to Sprouts for some kefir, because Sterling is on Antibiotics for his strep, 

he needs some probiotics to help his tummy...  

 I was walking through the supplement and herb section looking at the bottles.

A lot of the names were looking familiar.

That's when my "ah hah" moment hit. 

And I feel rather silly really.

I used to take vitamins!

Every morning, I would take a multi vitamin, 

some vitamin e, vitamin d, and a b complex. 

I used to take various other herbs, like Evening Primrose Oil, Ginkgo, 

and a few others that I can't remember off the top of my head.

Things for my skin, energy, and mental sharpness.

Each night, I take 5htp, and valerian root as well as a few other vitamins that are required twice a day. 

But, some point along these last 3-4 months, I stopped my vitamin intake. 

I remember the day I made the conscious decision not to take my vitamins.

"Ehh I don't need these. They stink, taste gross, and I doubt they are doing anything." 

Thinking back on it, I used to take my vitamins every day when I was teaching, and long before that.  

Same time each day, same vitamins.

And I could wake up at 7am ready to face the day. 

The bouts of depression were rare, and I was happy and energetic. 

I had less that, but got more done. 

Yesterday, whenI got home from Sprouts I took my vitamins. 

and it was familiar, because I used to take them so often. 

I know it normally takes a month or two for vitamins 

and herbs to get into your system and start being effective. 

But, this morning.. I actually woke up at 9 am, awake, and feeling happy. 

I'm hoping this was all that there was.
A vitamin deficiency. 

Because today has given me hope. 

I really needed that. 

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