On top of all these health problems I've been struggling mentally and battling depression. I think it's safe to say that when the body is out of balance, the soul and mind get unbalanced too. I've been dealing with feelings of inadequacy and sadness when it comes to my work. This last week I've been able to over come quite a bit.
I've been taking great care of myself this last month, and especially in this last week.
Noticing all the negative health and mental problems in my life really inspired me to take action against it. I've energy cleansed my home and set up altars to deflect negative energy being sent to me. I took my knowledge of Rootwork, (which I think comes from a past life) and am working on uncrossing and jinx-removing myself and my home. So, if you've been cursing me.. beware. It's on it's way back to you. (insert winking face) Sterling and I discussed how "curses" work.. and how people need to be aware of their thoughts and actions more. Whenever someone thinks a negative thought of you or too you, it acts as a "curse." These negative energies just pile up around you and can have a huge impact on your life. People aren't even aware of when they are sending you curses, or negative energy.. and people aren't even aware of how often they are cursing themselves with their own negative energy!
So, this week has been a week of cleansing and putting up shields against negative energy being sent my way, even if it's from me.
I'm aware that I'm my worst enemy... Like I said, this last week has been a big lesson to me. I took a break from my art. By the 2nd day, I was itching to get back to it. I had several questions in my mind of why I do art, how I should do art... things like that. Very deep personal questions inside my sketchbook/journal.... I feel like I'm on one side of a cliff, trying to get to the other side. I know the side I'm on is no longer what's right for me. I'm feeling too safe here, too boring, too inadequate... and I'm trying to figure out how to get to the other side... looking for a bridge, figuring out if I should jump and hoping I have the wings to catch me.
Like I mentioned, I had a lot of questions.. questions I couldn't even place into words. So, I left them. I left my art and my questions and I moved forward with other things. I cleaned my studio, cleaned my house. I did the things I loved. I had the desire to paint in the back of my mind every moment, but I left it. I gathered inspirations and I let my questions sit. It seems every night I would go to sleep with a question, I would wake up with an answer. Not because I thought about the question, but because I left it to my subconscious and higher self to figure it out.
I believe we truly have all of the knowledge and answers we need, they are just not always within reach during our waking moments. I believe in meditation, astral travel and connecting to your higher self, and I believe in leaving our biggest problems to our higher selves to figure out.
Taking a break from my conscious thinking has been great. Even being as sick as I have been has been a bit of a blessing. I can honestly say my conscious thoughts weren't working as they should. I was in autopilot mode most of the time and unable to process a lot of things... meaning my higher self got the time it needed to work things out and realign myself and my thinking.
Today I am a little bit more clear.. and I can feel things on the rise again. Riding the ups and downs of life sounds like a fun and simple term until you realize how utterly low the lows actually are... and that sometimes the lows last a very very long time.. And that pain and sickness are very real. But on the flip side, nothing lasts.. and change is always on it's way.. and as low as you can possibly feel, there is always the good times. And sometimes you can take action to rid the negative energy in your life, like what I'm trying to do... and sometimes you can look over the edge of your cliff and wonder what it would be like to try and jump to the other side.. and sometimes you have to jump and trust that you have wings.
(Queen Anne's Lace)
Thank you all for the comments, messages and notes. I was at a very very weak time in my life.. feeling totally and utterly alone. Being honest on the blog left me feeling raw, open and vulnerable.. Yet out of the shadows came uplifting words of encouragement. It took me several days to gather the courage to face these words. When I did face them, I went through a whole box of tissues from my tears. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.