Monday, July 7, 2014

The Cliff's Edge

This last month has been a big learning experience for me. I've been having several health problems for the last month or so. Starting in June I caught something odd.. I shared it here when it started. After some research and conversations with others, it turns out it was Parvo Virus. Not like the ones dog's get, but a human version. I mentioned feeling like I had the flu, and a cold all at once, and a general feeling of weird and yuck. After a week and a half of that I had a few days of recovery before Sterling and I both got strep throat and a cold. This was one of the worst colds of my life! I had a fever of over 100 for 4 days, and the entire sickness lasted me another week and a half. I had to take a course of antibiotics for 10 days to beat the strep, which left me absolutely nauseas for another week after the strep. Suddenly my sore throat was back, and my couch was causing extreme pain in my ribs. Just yesterday I was unable to lift anything with my left arm.. Yesterday I spent most of the day in bed battling a cough, sore muscles and nausea. I slept and slept and slept. (I'm seriously regretting the medication I took... I usually never take antibiotics!)

On top of all these health problems I've been struggling mentally and battling depression. I think it's safe to say that when the body is out of balance, the soul and mind get unbalanced too. I've been dealing with feelings of inadequacy and sadness when it comes to my work. This last week I've been able to over come quite a bit.

I've been taking great care of myself this last month, and especially in this last week.
Noticing all the negative health and mental problems in my life really inspired me to take action against it. I've energy cleansed my home and set up altars to deflect negative energy being sent to me. I took my knowledge of Rootwork, (which I think comes from a past life) and am working on uncrossing and jinx-removing myself and my home. So, if you've been cursing me.. beware. It's on it's way back to you. (insert winking face) Sterling and I discussed how "curses" work.. and how people need to be aware of their thoughts and actions more. Whenever someone thinks a negative thought of you or too you, it acts as a "curse." These negative energies just pile up around you and can have a huge impact on your life. People aren't even aware of when they are sending you curses, or negative energy.. and people aren't even aware of how often they are cursing themselves with their own negative energy!
So, this week has been a week of cleansing and putting up shields against negative energy being sent my way, even if it's from me.

I'm aware that I'm my worst enemy... Like I said, this last week has been a big lesson to me. I took a break from my art. By the 2nd day, I was itching to get back to it. I had several questions in my mind of why I do art, how I should do art... things like that. Very deep personal questions inside my sketchbook/journal.... I feel like I'm on one side of a cliff, trying to get to the other side. I know the side I'm on is no longer what's right for me. I'm feeling too safe here, too boring, too inadequate... and I'm trying to figure out how to get to the other side... looking for a bridge,  figuring out if I should jump and hoping I have the wings to catch me.

Like I mentioned, I had a lot of questions.. questions I couldn't even place into words. So, I left them. I left my art and my questions and I moved forward with other things. I cleaned my studio, cleaned my house. I did the things I loved. I had the desire to paint in the back of my mind every moment, but I left it. I gathered inspirations and I let my questions sit. It seems every night I would go to sleep with a question, I would wake up with an answer. Not because I thought about the question, but because I left it to my subconscious and higher self to figure it out.

I believe we truly have all of the knowledge and answers we need, they are just not always within reach during our waking moments. I believe in meditation, astral travel and connecting to your higher self, and I believe in leaving our biggest problems to our higher selves to figure out.

Taking a break from my conscious thinking has been great. Even being as sick as I have been has been a bit of a blessing. I can honestly say my conscious thoughts weren't working as they should. I was in autopilot mode most of the time and unable to process a lot of things... meaning my higher self got the time it needed to work things out and realign myself and my thinking.

Today I am a little bit more clear.. and I can feel things on the rise again. Riding the ups and downs of life sounds like a fun and simple term until you realize how utterly low the lows actually are... and that sometimes the lows last a very very long time.. And that pain and sickness are very real. But on the flip side, nothing lasts.. and change is always on it's way.. and as low as you can possibly feel, there is always the good times. And sometimes you can take action to rid the negative energy in your life, like what I'm trying to do... and sometimes you can look over the edge of your cliff and wonder what it would be like to try and jump to the other side.. and sometimes you have to jump and trust that you have wings.

(Queen Anne's Lace)

Thank you all for the comments, messages and notes. I was at a very very weak time in my life.. feeling totally and utterly alone. Being honest on the blog left me feeling raw, open and vulnerable.. Yet out of the shadows came uplifting words of encouragement. It took me several days to gather the courage to face these words. When I did face them, I went through a whole box of tissues from my tears. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

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  1. This may seem silly, but I think it is appropriate here; a quote from the kid's movie, The Croods:
    "Once a upon a time, there was a beautiful tiger. She lived in a cave with the rest of her family. Her father and mother told her "you may go anywhere you want, but never go near the cliff; for you could fall." But when no one was looking, she’d go near the cliff. For the closer she came to the edge, the more she could hear; the more she could see; the more she could feel. Finally, she stood at the very edge. She saw a light. She leaned out to touch it… and she slipped. AND SHE FLEW!! Jump off the edge, tree talker :) You may regret that you did NOT, but you will never regret that you DID :) You are not alone in the feelings you are feeling right now. We are all just a bunch of wandering souls, at times feeling inadequate...but we can all hold hands through these rough times and lift each other up :) Hugs!

    Natasha (whimsy emporium)

  2. Awww! This totally made me tear up. Thank you so much for sharing!! And yes, I can't stay on this edge for too much longer... :) Thank you again Natasha!

  3. I loved that movie, and I love that you thought to share that quote! :)

  4. Isn't it funny how it takes just as much courage to face support and love when we are in dark places as it does to face challenge and negativity???

  5. Lately I've been overwhelmed by depression and anxiety. I quit my new job because I could feel it crushing my soul. I have been trying very hard to stop thinking negatively but it is hard for me sometimes. And when I am sick it is definitely way worse. I hope that you are still feeling better and I have to say that your art lately is some of my favorite art of yours (especially the skyline and galaxy one!) I am sending nothing but positive thoughts your way. And I really want to thank you for sharing these things on your blog. I know it can be hard to talk about sometimes but you have so much support and you are not the only one going through this stuff.


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