Thursday, August 8, 2013

More Than Thursday Threads - Feeling Blue

It's been beautiful here. 
Warm and summery.
We had a breeze today and the sky wept for a little while. 
And so did I.

I've been feeling a bit blue lately and again..
Walls have gone up and I don't even know if I can talk about it. 
I've already been tearing up a bit and can't seem to get words out.
But, I'm trying..

I don't even know how to explain it. 
Other than just feeling blue, and down..
Turning inside myself, and against myself.
It's complicated.

I'm my worst critic, and my worst enemy.
I know it shouldn't be like that.
It's something I'm still learning.

 I know that this is the critical time to talk.

One thing I've learned from depression, 
is that sometimes when you feel a wave coming you can dodge it a bit.
As soon as I start to feel the walls coming up, 
I know it's time to talk before it's too late.
Before the walls are all the way up.
But, it's a hard thing to do...
To talk, and get it out there. 

The hard part is opening back up.. 
The hard part is feeling vulnerable..
The hard part is pointing out your faults, 
and explaining that's why you feel terrible. 

But the hardest part is explaining nothing. 
Sometimes there is nothing that causes it.
And explaining that is the worst part of all. 

But this time, I'm feeling inadequate. 
I'm feeling alone, and invisible, and small.
I'm feeling ugly, fat and unworthy.
I'm feeling pretty despicable. 
I'm feeling not good enough,
and I'm feeling very vulnerable. 

And I'm just getting this out there.
Because this isn't something I can talk to Sterling about.
I don't want to. I don't want to bring up my faults so he will start seeing them too.
So, I push even him away. He's getting good at reading me though.
And I don't want to shout out on the internet for compliments and attention.
I'm really  not looking for that.

I just know that sometimes it needs to get out there.
Like scrubbing a wound and leaving it exposed to heal.
And I really don't have anyone else to talk to other than this blog.
That's how it's been for a while now. 
And I kind of like that.
An old friend.  

Believe it or not, this is meant to be an outfit post. 
But it kind of transformed into this. 
But, at least I'm wearing blue, right?
I promise this isn't a "Pity Post."

This is me trying to heal, trying to get my thoughts out.
Trying to tell you, that if you feel this way too..
You aren't alone, and neither am I.

Blue Dress - Nowistyle

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  1. I hate trying to explain that nothing actually happened to upset me or bring me down. That I just woke up and everything was grey and upside down and for no reason. If I try and talk it out with anyone they want to fix it, not just listen, and then they get upset that there's nothing to fix and I feel worse for upsetting them!

  2. Why do so many of us artist types feel these awful inadequate feelings? I know how that goes. I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I'm glad you have this blog as a sounding board; it's definitely better than having no outlet at all. I hope things get better for you soon!

  3. I've been feeling on the verge of depression lately too and also for no good reason, not that there's ever a good reason for depression, but there's really just no reason at all. I hope that you and I can both get back to feeling like our old selves soon.

  4. I'm not an artist, but I do get depressed, and once it was so bad and kind of hit out of the blue, I just saw no purpose in living. I had myself admitted to a hospital and discharged myself 24 hours later. I was put on an antidepression med, and though I changed it over time, it for the most part helps me avoid the ups and downs of depression. I swore I would never let myself get that bad again, and to date, I'm successful.
    As for telling you that you are not those things you see about yourself, I know that does not make it better. For the record, I see you as beautiful inside and out. You are a treasure to those of us who follow you. I am certain that Sterling is on your side no matter how you feel. Hugs my friend. Betty

  5. Thank you for putting into words how depression feels. I've bookmarked your post so I can point someone to it and share your incredible description of this thing known as depression. One time, after I had gotten out of hospital, my sister-in-law asked me, well, what would make you happy? How to tell someone it's not a matter of happy. I'm happy. And depressed. Not deeply now - medications, support, and learning about myself and my best coping skills have helped. But I am always a little depressed, sometimes more depressed. I function well and plan to stick around for a while.

    Again, thank you so very much for your thoughtful words and selfless sharing. You are a beautiful young woman, clearly both inside and out.

  6. The unfortunate thing with depression is that it is unexplainable. I never understood what friends were feeling when they were suffering from depression until it was me one day. Besides the problem that it can hit you without any reason, try to explain to someone that you don't have the energy/motivation to leave your bed.
    May your days be brighter soon.
    Hugs from far away Switzerland, Corinna


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