It's been beautiful here.
Warm and summery.
We had a breeze today and the sky wept for a little while.
And so did I.
I've been feeling a bit blue lately and again..
Walls have gone up and I don't even know if I can talk about it.
I've already been tearing up a bit and can't seem to get words out.
But, I'm trying..
I don't even know how to explain it.
Other than just feeling blue, and down..
Turning inside myself, and against myself.
It's complicated.
I'm my worst critic, and my worst enemy.
I know it shouldn't be like that.
It's something I'm still learning.
I know that this is the critical time to talk.
One thing I've learned from depression,
is that sometimes when you feel a wave coming you can dodge it a bit.
As soon as I start to feel the walls coming up,
I know it's time to talk before it's too late.
Before the walls are all the way up.
But, it's a hard thing to do...
To talk, and get it out there.
The hard part is opening back up..
The hard part is feeling vulnerable..
The hard part is pointing out your faults,
and explaining that's why you feel terrible.
But the hardest part is explaining nothing.
Sometimes there is nothing that causes it.
And explaining that is the worst part of all.
But this time, I'm feeling inadequate.
I'm feeling alone, and invisible, and small.
I'm feeling ugly, fat and unworthy.
I'm feeling pretty despicable.
I'm feeling not good enough,
and I'm feeling very vulnerable.
And I'm just getting this out there.
Because this isn't something I can talk to Sterling about.
I don't want to. I don't want to bring up my faults so he will start seeing them too.
So, I push even him away. He's getting good at reading me though.
And I don't want to shout out on the internet for compliments and attention.
I'm really not looking for that.
I just know that sometimes it needs to get out there.
Like scrubbing a wound and leaving it exposed to heal.
And I really don't have anyone else to talk to other than this blog.
That's how it's been for a while now.
And I kind of like that.
An old friend.
Believe it or not, this is meant to be an outfit post.
But it kind of transformed into this.
But, at least I'm wearing blue, right?
I promise this isn't a "Pity Post."
This is me trying to heal, trying to get my thoughts out.
Trying to tell you, that if you feel this way too..
You aren't alone, and neither am I.
Blue Dress - Nowistyle
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