Unmasked and Vulnerable .... I Buzzed My Head

I buzzed my head. I really did it. I had thought about the idea before. I always knew at some point in my life, I would shave it or buzz it short. But it really hit me hard a few days ago. Sterling and I were driving somewhere, talking about something I don't even remember, and out of the blue I heard my voice say "I'm going to shave my head." It wasn't a "Should I shave my head?" It was a realization. It was "Wow. I'm about to shave my head." By the second time I brought it up to Sterling, he knew it was going to happen.

Let's just take a moment to look at that handsome supportive Sterling. Isn't he just the greatest? He helped me buzz the back where I couldn't see. 

 I had been trying to grow my hair out a little bit longer, and healthier. I miss my brown hair, my curls, or even just having shine. I missed running my fingers through my hair without breaking the ends. I've had bleached hair for quite some time now. Even when I went back to brunette a few years ago, I never let that bleach fully grow it before I just re-bleached it.
Bleaching and dying had gotten to be too time consuming... to tedious... too painful even.
I had noticed while combing through my hair, pieces would break off and fall. When my hair would dry naturally, it would just frizz up. When I tried to straighten it, it would just break and fry. I literally couldn't do a thing with my hair. There really wasn't much else I could do other than wait for it to grow...Wait with my baby roots trying to hold up dead hair. But even then, I could try to straighten it into something that looked semi nice, and hope for the best...
 My impatience seems to have gotten the better of me...

But I think there is more to it than that.... because I've been feeling for a while that my "pink pixie" was over. I've loved it, and I've loved having colored hair.. But I think it's time for me to go natural for a bit. Back to my roots. I feel like I'm throwing a huge part of myself away, and it's kind of scary.. but in my experience it's the scary things that make us grow.. we just have to face them.
I'm not afraid of what anyone will think of me, or what I will look like, or the things people will say. I'm not too worried on how I look, or if I will get mistaken for a boy. I'm worried about letting that part of myself go.
Cutting hair is often liberating. It sheds energetic layers, and frees you in a way. Hair holds onto energy, and cutting and releasing it helps release you.

And now my dear readers... I don't think I've been completely honest with you recently. Because you see, I've been going through my own shedding of layers in these past few months. I've felt an itch and a tug like when clothes  are too tight, or even when they are too big. Feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.. It's been a long time since I've felt like I'm looked like myself. I've been shying away from photos, or not instigating them. For those who have read this blog, it's usually pretty picture heavy, and most often, it's pictures of me. Or at least it used to me. I needed to shed old layers.. and have a rebirth. Because sometimes in order to move forward in life, we have to release things that hold us back.

And because sometimes you need to start over.
Sometimes you need to see your face. like for reals. with no hair, no color hiding it.
nothing... but rawness.
Sometimes you just need a rebirth.




And sometimes during that rebirth, it's okay to laugh historically at yourself and ask "Am I crazy? What am I doing?! What have I done??" Only to hear your own inner voice hush you and say "trust."

And today I woke up, and rubbed my fuzzy head in remembrance of what I did last night. 

I got up out of bed, put on my clothes, and took the dogs for a walk. And I smiled at those I passed, and I talked to whom I wanted to, and skipped about with the pups. By the time I got home I realized, I had no make up on, and no hair. Absolutely no mask on whats over. And those kind folks who waved and said hi said hi to the authentic unmasked Rachael. 

And it was scary, revealing and beautiful. All at once.

So welcome to the totally unmasked Rachael. 

And yes, you are free to rub my fuzzy head.

#YOLO