I've been taking care of myself.. trying to take things slow. But, as I've said in previous posts... this is going to be a hard lesson for me to learn it seems. I try to take days off, and I do as much relaxing as I can.. but I know there is a tenseness in my shoulders, and I'm not quite sure how to fix that.
I've been battling off a creeping migraine for days now.. It creeps up from my shoulders, twists around my neck and sinks it's mean claws into the corner of my eyes... and yesterday I thought to take care of it once and for all with a tranquil salt bath, ice pack and essential oils.
I watched the candles flicker in stillness... And a voice from somewhere within reminded me that ... fire doesn't always have to be raging to be beautiful... it doesn't always have to be eruptive to destroy or create.
Tranquil or howling. It is still fire.
I've always associated with the element of fire. Fire creates as it destroys. It is beautiful and scary all at once. Powerful, relentless and driven. It is the element of my sun sign Aries, and the element of my ascending Leo sign. My charts are full of fire, and now I'm learning that it's okay to be a small flickering flame sometimes... casting a comforting glow, giving light, and warmth.
I feel like I'm at a breaking point... But I think this is a point everyone who has taken a path similar to mine eventually gets to. I don't want to call it a breaking point, because I do not feel broken. Instead I feel like I am learning my own limits. The limit of what I can do and offer at this time. I think it's an important point to reach, because I am shown the things I can offer, but I have to withdrawal just a bit... to catch up, catch my breath, and reset.
I can no longer offer my services for free or too cheap a cost, because my time is becoming more and more valuable. I can no longer take on projects that I do not care whole heartedly about, because my heart is being stretched in too many places. I am learning to appreciate my free time and spend it very wisely.. surrounded by moments of pure beauty and bliss, because free time is scarce around here.
I truly love what I do. This is my "dream job." The 15 year old Rachael would be so excited if I told her what my 20s would be like.. If I told her we would get to do art for a living she would be so pleased. If I told her on the side we offer Tarot Readings and teach classes on Tarot, Crystals, and The Moon, she would be very surprised! But also pleased.
The thing is, this "breaking point" is beautiful. It's an "ah ha" moment of Wow. I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing in life... to the extent that I have said yes to too much, given too many maybes, and haven't said nearly enough no's! It's time to catch my breath. This breaking point feels like a promotion in a way... I'm not sure if I can fully explain why it feels like a promotion, but it does. It feels like this level of stress and exhaustion is a stepping stone to a better way of doing things.
I'll be taking a short vacation this week...
The original plan was to go on a quick getaway to Hawaii, but things fell through. Meko started limping around last night as I was packing my bags in a near frenzy... fighting off the migraine and the stress of leaving a wounded pup... I got a phone call at 7am saying the trip had to be canceled. I sunk back into my pillow to sleep a little more as the migraine monster was winning the battle.. I woke up at 9 and thought to start my usual day. The house was in total disarray! I got up and got coffee with Sterling. Sometimes a freezing cold caffeinated beverage is the only thing that helps my migraines...I got home with the intent to clean the house, work on my decks and illustrations.. I felt a heaviness like never before. The migraine monster was winning.
I reluctantly climbed into bed and was followed by the three furry caretakers of mine.
They go with me everywhere. Meko has become especially loyal these last few weeks.. he is always at my side. Today they wondered why their mamma wasn't the usual raging fire at 11am. Cleaning, working, doing readings.. Why was she in bed? But I think dogs and cats are intuitive little healers... and soon everyone snuggled around me, Wicket at my feet, Meko on my right, and Merlin on my left. And we all slept for 3 hours straight.
I dreamed only of spiders and drowning...
and woke up to Merlin sleeping in his favorite spot.... on my neck.