It's been over a week since I buzzed my hair off, an it's been incredible so far.
I've had a complicated relationship with my hair. I gave up on the idea of long lustrous hair when I was 16 and my pony tail was thinner than my pinky finger. I chopped it off into a pixie cut when I was in high school and kept it fairly short ever since. It's pretty thin but makes up for it with some curls and waves.. but I haven't seen the waves in years.
A few years ago I decided to bleach it blonde and play with color for a while. It was a lot of fun. All of the little girls wanted to ask me about my hair. I was asked if I was a fairy all the time. I loved having fun colored hair.. but after a while it was sad seeing the dead hair fall off in the brush, or my poor hair would just frizz up. I missed being able to just get out of the shower and let my hair curl.
Buzzing it was a bit dramatic, I know. Sterling told me that sometimes I do dramatic things and it doesn't seem like I think about them first. But I did. I thought about this decision for at least 3 days.
I couldn't wait any longer for it to grow. I needed change. And it's been fantastic.
I've learned a lot about what makes me feel beautiful.
Because I haven't always felt beautiful. In fact my ex told me I wasn't beautiful so many times I believed it. But the thing is, there is beauty in everyone. We just need to define it on our own.
And I must tell you, buzzing my head has finally made me feel beautiful.
When I buzzed it, I looked in the mirror longer than I had in a while. I rubbed the back of my head and felt my head's shape and my fuzzy hair. I suddenly had more confidence in my appearance than I had had in years!
Because I didn't buzz it because I was sick, or going through trauma. I wasn't trying to be rebellious, or to renounce my femininity. Instead I chose to shed the vanity from my hair, and discover what it is what made me feel feminine. I can't rely on my pink hair to make me feel feminine, and I certainly can't rely on my curves, as I'm all bones.
Buzzing my hair has made me feel comfortable in my own skin, confident, raw, and authentic. And that's what makes me feel both beautiful and feminine.