Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Struggling

I've been struggling lately. Tons of questions have been running through my head lately.  Who am I even writing to? Does anyone read this? Does anyone see me? Does it even matter? Why do I even write, or draw or paint? What if I just stopped? How can I paint things I absolutely love? Do all artists go through this? I've been feeling so much inadequacy, loneliness, and fear lately.

I've been doing a lot of journaling, doodling and questioning lately.. I realized that since I left my day job, I have done art ever single day. Not a day has passed that I haven't done some form of art.. and this has turned me against myself. I have been doing a lot of reevaluating of my work, life and purpose.. wondering the whys, the hows, and the what ifs..


Sunday night I decided it was time to quit art.

At least for like a week.. maybe longer.

I gave myself a week off from art.. from doodling, sketching, and anything related. I made the announcement to Sterling who promptly said, "I won't let you quit art. Ever." I'm appreciative of a supportive boyfriend... but I told him he had to let me quit, because what if one day I discovered I was really really good at roller derby or something... and that I need to know I'm not locked into something forever.. and that I need to be allowed to quit.
Sterling has always supported me with my art, more often than I do.. or anyone else for that matter. And so I guess I'm feeling voiceless lately.. And I don't know where to go from here. So, I'm taking a break from my art work, at least for a little while. My brain needs to focus on other things...

Of course the day I decided to quit, 30 minutes later I sold a large painting, and was asked to participate in an art show... I'm hoping these are hints from the universe.

 


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38 comments:

  1. First of all, I know I'm among a lot of people who read your blog, I just don't always post here. I can change though. I usually comment on your FB posts.
    I'm sad that you are taking a break from Art, but as long as it is a break, no harm done. You are multi talented and the world needs to see these talents. The world understands though, that sometimes you need a break, like a vacation. Take a week and do whatever it is that you want to do. Hugs

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  2. I struggle with the same thoughts as you. Artists have to work a whole lot harder because they are CEO of their own creativity. You are doing absolutely everything by yourself and that can make you feel burnt out. I don't think you'd ever fully quit but a time out from your work doesn't hurt. Everyone needs a holiday now and then.
    When it comes to my art I struggle with the what-the-hell-am-I-doing thoughts colliding in my head. I have so many different loves - drawing, writing, doll making, photography. But there is only so much I can do. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so interested in everything so I could just focus on one thing. That's my internal battle.
    Hey, I read recently that doodling and drawing is good for the brain. Even people who doodle during office meetings are more likely to stay alert.
    By the way, I could see you doing roller derby.

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  3. I read your stuff and love what you're puting out to the world :) keep doing what you're doing cause it's awesome x

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  4. I'm here too! I just recently found you through Instagram and now follow you daily :) Your work is stunning and little glimpses of your life with your pups and fashion pics always bring a smile :) But I think we all get it in some way or another, that its not always perfect behind the photos and most artists struggle internally with some battle or another and that is why art is a creative release of sorts for us. But you know it ebbs and flows and you can end up making yourself feel guilty for taking a break, or you may think that if you take a break then people will forget you. But those who love your art and your spirit, know that it is important for you to take that downtime sometimes so you dont burn yourself out and end up hating what you used to love...you never want to put that much pressure on yourself. We know that its important to take care of yourself. I struggle to sometimes with insecurities that I will never be like this person or that person who just has it all together and their art is amazing...but we do what we love and that is all we can do and stay true to ourselves. And my dear, you may not feel like you matter, but please know that you DO MATTER...very much, you matter. You bring a light to this universe; but with light comes dark moments and hopefully you will read the comments all of us are writing and know that you have some kindred spirits out here that will send you love&light to get your through the dark times. <3 Much love to you! Your art will find you again, no need to force it :)

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  5. You are wonderful and inspiring and you should know that! But if doing only art makes you feel unhappy....then find other things to do, too! It's always more fulfilling to always be learning and if you feel you've plateaued (spelling?) or something, then it is sometimes good to take a breather.

    My boyfriend and I who both think you are awesome...think that the painting and art show ARE signs from the universe....[Plus, if you're hoping they ARE signs....then chances are, you are exactly where you are supposed to be...]

    Much love!
    Jessica (And Eric)

    P.S. My sister is always in love with your different hair colors!!

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  6. I read! Please don't stop! I'm an artist and I feel that way pretty often. Sometimes when you are the most tired and beat you are just about to make some sort of breakthrough-- and sometimes a little break can help with that, help you see from a different perspective.

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  7. I'm sorry you are going throuh this!! You are just so talented that it would be sad to see your light go out. Life can sometimes get in the way and make us question everything...but it's just life throwing you a curb ball.
    I don't know if you remember but when I first found you a while back I told you that you reminded me of the old me. I grew up with much negativity in my life that art and journaling was the only thing that kept me same. Things just got so crazy in my life that I let go of my creativity and got lost in the process. I recently starting drawing again I just love having that little peace that saved my life.

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  8. Thank you for the most beautiful wedding hairpiece a bride could dream of!! Thank you for your blog. Thank you for your realness. Thank you for your creativity that you share. Whether it's painting, writing, drawing, roller derby, warrior festivals, your cool outfits, fun hair, your ideas stuck in your head, working in a non art field, you are artistic and your amazing gifts shine. We don't pick art. We're artists. Quitting or taking a break from art is an action. Breathing it will always be.

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  9. Taking breaks is good! Be gentle with yourself. Have fun. Don't let life get so serious. You will feel better. Take as long of a mental vacation as you need. You are the only one who can allow yourself the time to relax and decompress. Get out of your head and just enjoy some simple, no pressure pleasures <3 Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer

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  10. As a full time artist myself, I have learnt (not easily) the importance of taking breaks from art (well painting specifically as that is my speciality).
    Sometimes I don't feel like it, sometimes my head gets in the way. Whatever it is, sometimes time, space and a big breath away needs to be taken.
    I think of it as "filling my cup" time and gathering inspiration.
    During these times I catch up on fun projects, try new things, travel a bit, spend more time with friends.
    After a short while I find myself starting to feel refreshed and I itch to get back to painting.
    So perhaps take the work "quit" away and replace it with "breather" as in "I'm taking a breather from art for a little while"
    Good luck and know your not alone! x

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  11. You aren't the only one that questions themself. Sometimes it can be a good thing. Take a break and I am sure you will come back with new vigour. Do what feels right. I am sure you will come back with something just as amazing. You have a beautiful aura and I am sure most people who read your blog and see your pictures see that. Just think for everyone who comments there are hundreds if not thousands who read your blog and don't comment.

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  12. I stumbled upon your blog about two weeks ago through a link for one of your DIY projects. I then read all of your DIY posts, which of course, led me to all of your other posts immersed in beautiful writing, outfits, photography, nature and cute doggies. Your style is an inspiration to me. Just wanted to let you know that I'm out here reading. And that I really enjoy your style, aesthetic sense and the positive nature and wisdom of your posts. I've been questioning myself a lot lately, and I understand that sometimes a break is needed (but stubborn perseverance makes for such a great story, doesn't it?)

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  13. It's 100% okay to need a break from something you love. And exploring other options is healthy! It doesn't mean you have to completely give up art, or quit it forever. You are a beautiful, gifted soul and your expressions help heal the world- whether you are aware of it or not. I've been following along with your life and art here on your blog (and more recently on FB and IG) for years, and your transparency with everything you go through is so refreshing. Authenticity is so hard to find these days- we have to go searching and digging for it. You are one of those rare jewels who put their authentic selves out there for all to see, and we LOVE it! I love looking at the art on my walls and remembering what you were posting about when you created each piece. It's so personal. You're amazing, and I'm thankful to have you as a bloggie friend. :)

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  14. I know so well that feeling - is this worth going on with? As an artist myself, I have been there, and every now and then I am there again. As you, I have a boyfriend that is very supportive of my artwork, which of course makes it a lot easier, however, I often feel so alone, - like all my friends and family are doing 'ordinary' things (for a living) they are nurses and work at coffee shops, they are hair dressers and well, they are living from eight to five, driving kids to kindergarten, making dinner, doing their day to day activities - and well - as much as I love them and respect them, that kind of lifestyle is not for me.

    I am and I have always been - an artist at heart. Throughout life I have been through some rough times to put it that way, and in many ways those times has shaped me and in some ways also inspired me to work even harder as an artist - but every now and then I think to myself, that it might have been nice If I had a more 'normal' life. Like getting up at six thirty, getting ready for my 'normal' job, having a house and some kids, meeting up with the other mums and talking about the stuff mums talk about (from diapers to coffee, from how things are at work and so on...) but nah, - not for me. I would in fact never ever trade what I've got now, the life I've got now - for that. Or anything else. I love my life, I love creating art - and I love the fact that I am so lucky to have a boyfriend who do 100% support me in what I do. That is something that I am very, very grateful for.

    So I guess what I am trying to say is - one - take a rest from your artwork, when you need it and digest things a bit, before starting on new art projects, and two - hang in there, - it is hard, but it is worth it. <3 And - you are such an talented passionate artists - that for you to quit doing art would be such a shame. Share with the world, your gift <3

    Much love, Nina K.
    Norway.

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  15. I definitely read you blog every time you post something new. And I think sometimes it is good to take a step back from art every once in a while. Sometimes I do the same thing, and when I come back I create some of my favorite pieces! Give yourself a little break if you feel you need it and let your heart tell you when it's time to come back.

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  16. I understand where you're coming from. I've been taking a break too. Hopefully it will recharge my batteries. I can't wait to hear about the adventures you go on while taking a break. :)

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  17. I didn't purposely quit art. But today when I posted in my craft blog, I realized it is the first post I'd made since my boyfriend's mom died, back in April. So yeah, 3 months off from a 'daily' art blog. Sigh. Sometimes you just have to walk away. You may walk back, you may not. You've had some hard deadlines. You had health issues. You're not a robot. I ask myself all the time 'is it worth it', 'am I invisible', 'does anyone notice if I'm here or not.' And I'm not nearly as successful or popular as you are. You are a complete person whether you ever do art again or not. Anyone that loves you will love you whether you are an artist or not.

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  18. Thank you Betty. I hope I didn't come off as wanting more comments and readers, I think I was just in the process of trying to figure out WHY I have the passions I do.. Nervous I'm not doing it for myself, things like that... I've taken some time off and have really noticed how much my mind comes back to art! I will most likely be back at painting tonight. :)

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  19. Thank you Fayme! I think that's one thing I need to remember..Ever since I was little, I was told "You are good at art" which was wonderful, but also made me feel like there is NOTHING else I can offer.. I know this isn't true, but on some subconscious level, a small part of me is curious if I can do more things. I know that I can try and do whatever I'd like.. but in a moment of weakness... I do feel trapped sometimes. It's been a rough year, but a very important one for my process. I did "quit" for about 5 days... and I noticed myself thinking about painting or sketching. I trusted that my issues will work themselves out on a subconscious level, and I focused on myself. It's been better. I hope you don't quit your art.. It's scary to feel like you are not being noticed, I feel that often... But, I'm trying to learn to do it for myself. :)

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  20. Yes! It's been a good and bad break... I've eased up on myself, and while I may end up painting tonight... I've taken a lot of pressure off myself. We've spent a lot of time out of the house too, out in nature, with friends and family.. it's been inspiring. Good luck on your break, I really do feel recharged already!

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  21. Thank you Julie, the step back has been great. It's left me feeling this itch to make art.. I've had some confusion as to why I'm doing it, and how to make it something I am truly proud of... taking this step back has been good. It took my mind off of the question, to let my higher self figure it out. :)

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  22. Thank goodness! In my journals I have randomly written "Do all artist go through this?!" This "break" of mind hasn't been much of a creative break, instead I just stopped focusing on my question. "How do I make GOOD art? How do I reach others?" Things like that... I left that question for my subconscious to figure out, and I just did what I wanted. I ended up still creating and being creative, because I just can't stop. :) Thank you for this message. Reading "This is something that all artists go through" made me sigh a huge sigh of relief. Thank you.

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  23. Thank you Nina. You seriously said my exact situation... I feel like I'm the only one I know "roughing" it. Everyone is so safe, and then there is me "I painted something, sure hope I can make rent!" haha I didn't quit for long.. in fact 2 days after I "quit" I found myself sewing, painting little things around the house, and still creating. By the 3rd day I was ready to paint again! I may even be starting a new piece tonight. I needed a clearer head, and a lighter heart.. and taking a break is something everyone needs. All those people with the 9-5 jobs get breaks, and I need one too. I will need to start scheduling a day off! Thank you again for this. <3

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  24. Aw Bethany!! This made me cry with the biggest smile on my face!! Sterling even took pictures of me cause I looked so ridiculous. Thank you. I think I'm afraid of not progressing sometimes, or not understanding why I paint. I took a week off, and left those questions to my subconscious to figure out.. and it's actually been refreshing. The itch to paint has been there, and I think I'll be picking up the brush again soon.. I don't think I could ever truly quick, but taking a break every once in a while is going to be a must for me! Seriously, thank you for this.. the huge smile and the tears! They were tears of heartfelt love. <3

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  25. Thank you for this! I think my biggest question is if I have an impact on the world... this world is so huge, full of so many people, and can one person even change anything?? I sat and thought about that question for soooo long until I broke my own heart! I think this little break I took was perfect. I left all of my questions behind for my subconscious to take care of, and I actually had quite a few answers come to me in dreams and other various messages.. Taking a break was great, but I don't think I could ever quit for good because like you said... that stubborn perseverance WILL make a good story.. and quitting is just not like me. Thank you again!

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  26. Thank you Susan! I think so too, and I think even if no one noticed me, I still need to stay true to myself.. I think my questions were more about the entire world than just this blog.. This little break has been refreshing and a learning experience. I've found how often my brain thinks fondly of art, and how I have creative ideas all the time.. and that sometimes taking a break is a good thing. I will be doing it more often for sure!

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  27. Oh my goodness. The filling of the cup makes SO much sense to me! When I was at my day job, I would get days off of that, and that's when I would paint... through out that week I would feel inspiration and that itch to paint so my days off were filled with art. Then this last year I had no day job, so I figured I could do art every day! Not giving myself any time to fill myself with inspiration, turning my art into work, with no days off! I now realize how hard I am on myself, and that I DO need a breather, and that I do deserve weekends... This break has been wonderful. I've found that "itch" again, the desire to paint is back, with actual inspiration rather than pressure. I like the term "filling my cup" and taking a breather. Something I will do more often for sure!

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  28. Yes yes yes. I put so much pressure on myself.. unneeded pressure too.. which took away all of the fun and simplicity that comes with creation. This is my first year as a full time artist, and it's been a learning experience for sure! I thought as a full time artist, I needed to work FULL TIME. Totally not the case.. I need time to relax and do other things too.. Thank you for your comment... I'm slowly learning. :)

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  29. Aw!! I loved this. Thank YOU! This little break hasn't lasted long, but it's taught me a lot. I've learned how much I really do come back to art, how much I think about it, and how HAPPY creating makes me. I actually might try roller derby.. just to have another outlet. I need to let myself take breaks more.. this is something I'm learning.

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  30. Aw thank you so much! I don't think I could quit for good.. this week has been hard enough! I will be taking more breaks for sure though. I'm so glad you enjoy the hats! Making hats was such a light in my life and I think I'll be doing more of that.. creative things don't always have to be just art! I've been learning a lot this last year.. and it's been a roller coaster, but I'm thankful for it! Thank you again for this!! And I'm so glad you liked the tutorial!! xx

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  31. Thank you Laura! I've felt a lot of positive energy coming my way, and I've needed it! I think I just put too much pressure on myself, instead of learning to trust the process, and trusting myself. Trust is a scary thing, but I do need to trust in myself.. I've been journaling a lot lately and that's helped too. Taking a break is going to be a must for me from now on.. In just these last few days, I've noticed that itch to create, and that's something I just can't ignore!

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  32. Oh exactly. Nicely put! I think that's what this little break has taught me. I've had that itch to keep creating.. I'll be giving myself a scheduled day off from now on.. a day to rethink things and give myself more inspiration. Thank you for this. <3

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  33. Sterling thought they were signs too.. and I kind of have to agree! This break has been awesome, (and a little sad!) I've found myself thinking of art in a happy way rather than unhappy... and I've found that not making art is making me depressed. I think what happened was I put way too much pressure on myself, and didn't give myself any breaks. I was WAY too hard on myself, and as someone who is "self employed" that means I'm my own boss, and I need to treat myself better! Taking a breather will be a regular thing from now on. :)

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  34. Awww this made me cry! Tears of love and joy of course. This is exactly what I needed to hear.. I think I was way too hard on myself, and was comparing my weaknesses to other people's strengths. I'm still learning this life, as much as I think I know... there is SO much more that I have to learn.. This has been a very humbling experience and a huge lesson to me... This short break has been very revealing. I've felt the itch to create, and the inspiration is coming where I WAS feeling like I needed to force it before.. I've found other ways to be creative, and it's been nice. Thank you again for this.. It means the world to me.

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  35. Thank you Anna. :) I think I'm just so scared of dying without a name or a legacy. It's terrifying to me and I don't know where it even comes from! I'm learning to take the pressure off myself, and trust myself.. I'm learning to make art because I LOVE it.. and not worry about what anyone else thinks. Thank you again. xx

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  36. Yes yes! The CEO example is exactly what is going on with me right now... I figure I'm my own boss, so I can be hard on myself... which ended up with me being WAY too hard on myself! I didn't give myself a break, or time off... I gave myself crazy deadlines and unrealistic expectations.. WHO DOES THAT?! Not a very good boss obviously. :) So, I kind of fired that boss, and I'm planning on replacing her with someone who is more relaxed.. someone who allows breaks, and holidays.
    I totally get what you mean about that inner battle too! I'm always thinking "I could totally be knitting" while i'm painting, or "How can I incorporate lace into my galaxy paintings?!" I love the flow of ideas, but sometimes they just get soooo muddled.
    And HAH! I should tell my mom that part about doodling... I always got in trouble for doodling in church and school... I told her that it helped me pay attention!
    ps I am moving in a few months, and the city I am moving to actually has a roller derby team!!! I'm terrified and excited, but I might do this!

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  37. I had a dance teacher that owned her own building and dance studio for many years. I'm sure it seemed like that was all she had to offer the world. But when her son grew up he took over the dance business, and she moved back east and started an entirely new career as a psychologist. Just goes to show we are not as limited as it seems sometimes.

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  38. I'm glad to see you've been drawing/painting once again ❤️ Much love.

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