Did you know, that I'm too skinny? But I'm also too fat! And I don't even know if that's true... because that's what my brain argues about all day. It's the most confusing thing ever.
When I was growing up, I would look at fashion magazines, and see commercials, and like most young girls, I had the perception I was too fat. Yet at the same time I was constantly teased and laughed at by my own family for never getting visited by the "boobie fairy." I was told I looked like a 12 year old boy by my own aunt. In front of the entire family. Oh, and I was twenty years old at that time. I'm sure they all thought it was fun and games, but those painful memories contributed to this body image complex that I have. I remember the first time my ex told me I was fat. I could probably tell you the exact date, and what I was wearing. It hurt that bad. He commented on how fat my legs were. Something I had feared about while growing up. The man who was supposed to love me, told me.. I was fat. Several times throughout the marriage too. But while I was too fat for him, I also didn't have big enough boobs for him either. He even brought up me getting breast enhancement surgery. Which I still contemplate.
In high school, I was too skinny. I had teachers follow me into the bathroom after lunch to see if I was throwing up my meals. I had to drink weight gain/ meal replacement shakes on top of my other 3 meals a day. My favorite clothes were taken from me until I weighed over 110lbs. Which didn't happen until after college. And I don't even think I weigh 110 anymore. I was weighed daily by my mother. She kept charts of my weight, and weighed me in my underwear before school. I was teased that if I didn't gain weight, the "bobbie fairy" would never visit. I was humiliated most of my high school years. Bra and underwear shopping is and has always been a nightmare! IF and only IF I can find a bra small enough to fit, it's one of those mega push up bras that promise to add 2 cups sizes. Another huge hint, that I will never be good enough. IF I can find underwear small enough, I usually still have to take it in.
There were times my own roommate, the one who moved out this last summer, would comment on my weight and my "fat legs." At that time she was very concerned about her own body image, and would constantly tear me down to her level with comments like, "I never really noticed how thick your calves were until recently!" or "You sure could get some definition if you cycled more!" I was stunned. That a fellow female who shared so much good times and laugher with me would be so willing to tear me down to her level.
I'm not meaning to complain to you... rather to share my background on why I feel I am both way too skinny and way too fat. All at the same time. Because it is very possible. And I know I'm not alone with these body issues. Sadly there isn't much anyone can say to me to make me feel better. Trust me, Sterling has tried. He tells me I'm beautiful all the time, and my response is usually something like "uh huh... right.." Obviously not believing a word he says.
Because both men and woman are conditioned to believe women have to be perfect. Women in the media need to be skinny, big breasted, and flawless. While men can be anything they want. There are several overweight, unattractive men represented in the media. And that's wonderful for them. But too many women are being airbrushed, and photoshopped. I've even seen female news anchors fired when they get wrinkles or show any signs of aging.Their male counter part stays as a younger, more attractive woman takes his partners place. Showing that women are only worthy of a man, a job, or anything if they are flawless. It's comics like this one,
Or quotes like this,
"The only way a woman fails in life, is if she gets an A in bra size."
This video sums it up very nicely.
And now I'm at a total loss of what to say. Because I don't know what comes next. I don't know what the next step is to this huge problem we have.
We need to be mindful of what we say to others. Don't tear others down. One "too fat," or "too skinny" comment will stick with them 100 times more than one "You are beautiful."
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