I realized something yesterday.. I realized I'm not exactly where I want to be. I mean, I am... but not. It's complicated. Placement wise, I'm where I should be, though I'd love to be in a different state, but something else felt funny. I sat down to blog, but realized I didn't have much to say. So, I decided to paint, and I realized I didn't have much to paint. Yet, I work full time as an artist and blogger now, but I sure don't feel that way. I couldn't think of anything to do. My mind felt cluttered, my body felt cluttered. I just haven't felt clear for a while now that I think about it... Like I can't hear my own voice sometimes... It's almost like there are a thousand voices in my head. And another thing.. lately I've been so fatigued. I can't get out of bed. I have alarm after alarm set, and lately, I will just lay in bed and wait for the next alarm. I recently went out and bought some Yoga supplies, thinking that this could help, but I still find myself laying in bed saying I'll do it another day. But, that really isn't like me, and it shouldn't be like that. I feel like I deserve to treat myself better, but how well do I even know myself anymore? I feel so disconnected. So confused about myself. Heart broken almost.. Everything is just so unclear lately. Breathing feels unclear, thinking feels unclear. Everything in my mind lately has been so cluttered.
But, I want change. Because I want to feel in a place where I want to be. So, I decided, my mind needs to match my surroundings. I closed the computer, and closed off all thoughts of painting, and I cleaned the house. I scrubbed the mold from the bathroom. I mopped the floors, I organized my shoes. I gathered a big bag of clothes and shoes for donations. I organized my painting supplies. I cleaned the temple room. I spent 6 hours trying to mindlessly clean the house. And I sat down that night feeling a bit more clear. Just a bit. As I was laying in bed, I did notice my thoughts were clearer.. And upon waking up to a clean house, my thoughts were still clear. Okay, a pretty clean house.. Having 3 pets and a boyfriend tend to get things messy fast..
But, today I did notice a bit of improvement, even if it's just for today.. but I'm still not where I want to be, by far, but I do have a plan.
If I could accomplish 5 things a day I would feel better about myself.
Just 5 things.
What would those 5 things be?
1. Yoga: At least 45 minutes. Every Day.
2. Meditation: At least 15 minutes. Every Day.
3. Blogging: About something meaningful.
4. Art Work : Either painting, or working on Illustrations.
5. Clean the house : While I clean, I turn my mind off..
It's just that my heart and mind have felt so disconnected lately. Almost heart broken because I no longer know myself. I've just got to try to fix that. Because I know that is what causes the fatigue. The self doubt, and the not caring about art or blogging. I know it won't be easy... But, that's what this blog is for. The times I post the best blog posts are when I'm going through something difficult. Seriously. Either a bad marriage, a divorce, or some sort of trial is what fuels this blog.. and that's not a bad thing. That's when this blog get's the most meaningful and heartfelt posts... and this blog hasn't felt too meaningful lately.
I know this blog hasn't been getting as much attention as it needs from me. I've felt that for a while now and I'm really sorry. But, I guess that it's okay for that to happen. It's okay to go through phases of not posting, or only posting quick things, but this blog will be here through my reconnection. Every step of the way. And I hope, that if you are feeling anything like how I'm feeling, you will be here too. And we can make this journey together.