I realized something yesterday.. I realized I'm not exactly where I want to be. I mean, I am... but not. It's complicated. Placement wise, I'm where I should be, though I'd love to be in a different state, but something else felt funny. I sat down to blog, but realized I didn't have much to say. So, I decided to paint, and I realized I didn't have much to paint. Yet, I work full time as an artist and blogger now, but I sure don't feel that way. I couldn't think of anything to do. My mind felt cluttered, my body felt cluttered. I just haven't felt clear for a while now that I think about it... Like I can't hear my own voice sometimes... It's almost like there are a thousand voices in my head. And another thing.. lately I've been so fatigued. I can't get out of bed. I have alarm after alarm set, and lately, I will just lay in bed and wait for the next alarm. I recently went out and bought some Yoga supplies, thinking that this could help, but I still find myself laying in bed saying I'll do it another day. But, that really isn't like me, and it shouldn't be like that. I feel like I deserve to treat myself better, but how well do I even know myself anymore? I feel so disconnected. So confused about myself. Heart broken almost.. Everything is just so unclear lately. Breathing feels unclear, thinking feels unclear. Everything in my mind lately has been so cluttered.
But, I want change. Because I want to feel in a place where I want to be. So, I decided, my mind needs to match my surroundings. I closed the computer, and closed off all thoughts of painting, and I cleaned the house. I scrubbed the mold from the bathroom. I mopped the floors, I organized my shoes. I gathered a big bag of clothes and shoes for donations. I organized my painting supplies. I cleaned the temple room. I spent 6 hours trying to mindlessly clean the house. And I sat down that night feeling a bit more clear. Just a bit. As I was laying in bed, I did notice my thoughts were clearer.. And upon waking up to a clean house, my thoughts were still clear. Okay, a pretty clean house.. Having 3 pets and a boyfriend tend to get things messy fast..
But, today I did notice a bit of improvement, even if it's just for today.. but I'm still not where I want to be, by far, but I do have a plan.
If I could accomplish 5 things a day I would feel better about myself.
Just 5 things.
What would those 5 things be?
1. Yoga: At least 45 minutes. Every Day.
2. Meditation: At least 15 minutes. Every Day.
3. Blogging: About something meaningful.
4. Art Work : Either painting, or working on Illustrations.
5. Clean the house : While I clean, I turn my mind off..
It's just that my heart and mind have felt so disconnected lately. Almost heart broken because I no longer know myself. I've just got to try to fix that. Because I know that is what causes the fatigue. The self doubt, and the not caring about art or blogging. I know it won't be easy... But, that's what this blog is for. The times I post the best blog posts are when I'm going through something difficult. Seriously. Either a bad marriage, a divorce, or some sort of trial is what fuels this blog.. and that's not a bad thing. That's when this blog get's the most meaningful and heartfelt posts... and this blog hasn't felt too meaningful lately.
I know this blog hasn't been getting as much attention as it needs from me. I've felt that for a while now and I'm really sorry. But, I guess that it's okay for that to happen. It's okay to go through phases of not posting, or only posting quick things, but this blog will be here through my reconnection. Every step of the way. And I hope, that if you are feeling anything like how I'm feeling, you will be here too. And we can make this journey together.
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Just wondering where you got those star/moon pyramids? I gave two to my sister and she just told me she took them to a thrift store around here. (we live in PG)
ReplyDeleteYour house looks nice! I always find cleaning very therapeutic and helpful when I'm lacking motivation.
(would be cool if they were the same ones, I meant to say!)
ReplyDeleteNO WAY! We got them at Savers, or possibly DI. Which are both thrift stores around here. That is so amazing. Most of the stuff we get are thrifted. And I'm smiling SO big.
ReplyDeleteTell me about your plants! I don't think a person can ever have to many of them and I always love hearing about where they came from, how they came to be in your space.
ReplyDeleteOf course! A lot of the plants in that second Temple Room are from Sterling's Step Mom! She had to move from one house to another, and wasn't able to bring them with her, so she gave them to me! I ended up repotting tons and tons of plants all night, and it was AWESOME! http://instagram.com/p/fErzUlkyoi/ I hope that link works! Most of the other plans were picked up at random plant stores.. I can't help myself!! I collect plants and puppies apparently.
ReplyDeletei agree..doing the dishes helps me feel clearer somehow...maybe that's what i need to do tonight! haha. as an art student i've been struggling hardcore lately. its like i have to be in this lovely free, intuitive mindset but it can't be forced and its so frustrating! i hope you start feeling inspired and motivated again. you said that your blogging hasn't been all-in lately but i read your blog very frequently and find it inspiring that you take the time to write and do photographs AND most importantly that you find the time to draw and paint. So, I hope it starts to feel more intuitive and happy! tomorrow morning! ;)
ReplyDeleteI knew they had to be the same ones! Awesome!
ReplyDeleteI just want to say thankyou. I have been feeling exactly the same way and all I can think is how it makes me want to cry.
ReplyDeleteI really needed to know that I wasnt the only one dealing with this, and that there is possibility of it getting better!
Thankyou for speaking into my soul the exact words I needed to hear!
You drive yourself mercilessly. Your muse might need a break from your iron will (self-criticism) and just want to breathe. Just breathe. In between alarms maybe. Ground your root chakra and cleanse your aura and fill it up again with soothing healing colour and just breathe. Lay in bed. Be anchored to the great mother earth and give yourself some quiet time where you are not beating yourself up. I bet if you let your muse have some peace and quiet, you'd be painting in no time flat (relatively speaking.) You do NOT need pain in order to blog. You could blog about technique and holy schmoley would I for one love to hear about how your work comes into being (technique) and as an example of that, I'd ask you what color(s) are calling to you lately, in your paint box? For me it is pale pink and I mean the palest of pale pinks, and gently moving gold flecks. I sometimes make my aura that colour. I like your blog a lot, Norma, x
ReplyDeleteI am totally loving your blog, even more than usual. I hope you don't have to go thru too much "hardtimes" for it to feel more meaningful....~always peace...
ReplyDeleteFirst...your place is so pretty and pleasant. I love the "feeling" the screen sends out. Second...I think you are an incredibly regular blogger and while super self-aware and reflective you are also very hard on yourself. Third, that pic of you in the comments with the plants? Radiant! I wonder if you have considered any of the workshops offered by Pixie Campell, Lis Hoffman, Marissa Moondaughter or Jessicat (holistic mornings)? If you do a search, they will pop up. In SouLodge we are working through November with Owl...and without violating class privacy I feel I can share with you that one aspect of owl is about clearing away "pests"...symbolic pests in your life, body, energy field etc. It sounds like in some ways you have become overrun and cleaning was a great way to start...and now perhaps there are some old loose ends that you have neglected and should pull out and examine before tossing them to the wind. I love your blog and your honesty. I seldom comment, but I read every single post.
ReplyDeleteI HAVE looked at some of those!! I would love to take some of those courses and workshops, but sadly I can't afford them right now. I'm working to save up for Marissa Moondaughter's course in December! But, yes.. I've been a huge fan of PIxie Campell and her workshops.. She's awesome! And thank you so much for this comment. This totally made my day.
ReplyDeleteThank you Lori! Really. This made me so so happy to read.
ReplyDeleteI'm so so sorry to hear about your grandpa! That's got to be hard. I wonder what's going on.. cause yeah! I've got those same symptoms. It's NUTS.
ReplyDeleteNorma, this advice was perfect and brought tears to my eyes. You are totally right. I actually screen shotted this comment. My problem is when I DO lay in bed, I don't feel like I'm me at all. I feel like a shadow of myself.. It's hard to explain. I have felt my root chakra is unbalanced. I've been reading a lot lately, and a lot of the books do talk about balancing my chakras and grounding myself daily. Which is something I need to do. I guess when I wake up so late I feel like I don't have TIME for doing that. Which, is totally the wrong way of thinking.
ReplyDeleteWell, i'm happy and glad that you are going through this! We can totally get over this. How? I don't know. But we can do it. :)
ReplyDeleteYES! When I feel like I'm forced to paint, my thoughts turns into mud. hah And thank you! I'm glad that you find my blog inspiring.. I've had a hard time lately... Thank you!
ReplyDeleteSeriously! That is SO cool!!
ReplyDeleteMaybe you need to be doing something with other people again. When you're working from home it can be tough to stay motivated. Maybe something like a class learning something new or joining a club or some voluntary work. Sometimes being around new people and doing something different and new can be really inspiring and help you to look at things in a different way.
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