I was extremely absent last week. It was a rough week. But, I'm determined to make this one better. Without going into details of the last week, we can just say I was feeling particularly lost and alone. Confused on my own path so to speak. And last night I had a strange dream...
I was naked, like everyone else in the dream. I was a part of a synchronized swim group. The people in my group were people from my past. I even recall my ex-mother-in-law pointing at me and laughing. In this dream. The group and I were about to perform our swim, when I realized I had no idea what I was doing. I hadn't been to any practices and I could barely swim! The music started and everyone was swimming in perfect synchronicity. Everyone but me. I was confused, and bumbling around... After the swim, I was suddenly sent up on stage. I was expected to sing a song for everyone. The spotlight was on me hurting my eyes, and I had no idea what song I was about to sing. The song started up, and I had no words. The words didn't come to me, and the song was unrecognizable. I could feel myself turning red, and I wanted to cry. First I stood out like a sore thumb in the synchronized swim, and now I was up on stage looking at the audience wide eyed, not singing to the music. Let's not forget, naked. I asked the man in charge of the music to start the song over again, and I would try one more time. He didn't seem pleased, but he replayed the song. Once more, I waited for the tune to sound familiar.. it didn't. The Spotlight slowly dimmed... Suddenly I felt I didn't have anything to loose. So, I just started singing. I made up words. I even think I danced. (If you know me... I do NOT sing, dance or even swim.) The spotlight was back on me, but from a different location. The light was coming from me.I was up on stage, singing, and dancing and making up my own words to the song. The song ended and people applauded. I was getting high fives and hand shakes, cheers and smiles. Then I woke up.
The meaning of the dream didn't hit me until just now.
Everyone has a path that they decided to take before we got here. But, as we grow up we are shown other paths. While we are young, our society, churches, parents, and schools teach us the paths we are "supposed" to take. To be in line with everyone else. To be in synch with others. To be flawless, another piece to the puzzle, or swimmer on the team of synchronized swimmers. Meant to swim together in harmony. Stay out of trouble. Don't make any disruptions. Follow in line. Do what is expected.
In my dream, I just couldn't do it. I stuck out like a sore thumb. I didn't know the lyrics to the song I was supposed to sing, so I sang my own. They took the spotlight down from me, and I created my own.
A lot of my rough times last week were from feeling like I wasn't good enough. The things I'm doing in life are not on key with what everyone else is doing. It is expected to be married and have a few kids by now, but that is not my path. The religion I was brought up on, is not my path. The career path that was expected of me is not in my path either. And I still feel the scoffs and embarrassment like in my dream, and I do hear the whispered words of family members behind my back... and feel the spotlight being taken off from me, I know that if I choose to sing my own song, and dance my own dance, I won't need the spotlight from anyone else.
Here's to a great productive week of shining from within.