Thursday, May 9, 2013
Sorry for my absence yesterday.
I went to see the doctor about a few personal things going on in my life and I mentioned my depression. I'm very against doctors and medication, so it was scary for me. I spent most of the day with anxiety. I brought up my concerns and my answer wasn't great. (I already knew the answer.. but still) I could get on depression medication or try to cope, and take action when things get bad. Without going into too much detail on my life right now, I opted for the try to cope.
I've dealt with some sort of depression all my life. It got very bad when I was married but I managed it. It hasn't been too much of a problem until these last few months. Woosh! It's back. Waves of emotions and just a drop in over all happiness. But, I can handle that. I can work with that. I believe I can cure myself with my own thoughts and vitamins and love..
But what scares me is how it will affect my relationship with Sterling. When I was married and depressed we pushed each other away. I didn't want to be touched, I didn't want love.. but I did deep down, I just didn't know how to ask. My ex didn't understand. How could he? I couldn't talk, I couldn't communicate. I am not saying the divorce was caused by this, but I do know it was a key factor. Lack of communication, lack of love just leads to more depression and self hatred.
So, I've been trying to be completely and brutally honest and up front with my depression this time. And if I seriously can't speak to Sterling, I try to write a letter or email and express my feelings. Now that he knows it is NOT his fault, and he is NOT the cause of my depression he knows that he CAN help. Even if it's just sitting near me. Just yesterday, I was frustrated that I was in a hurry, not feeling well and trying to get dinner ready. Sterling was not helping, and I didn't want him to help, but I did. It was a mix of emotions. He asked me, "What can I do? Where do you want me?" I answered, "To be honest, if you are near me I'm gonna be mad. If you leave me I'm gonna be mad. SO we are both screwed." I said it with sass and attitude because that was what I was feeling. He backed off and sat in the dining room while I cooked in the kitchen. But I realized that saying what I was thinking helped me not feel it as much. Communicating does help... but it can be the hardest part.
I try to let Sterling in on my thoughts and feelings. I try to tell him when to keep me talking, when to let me sit. When to not tell me it's gonna be okay. I feel like the most needy girlfriend in the world! But, I don't like mind games and I don't like expectations.
The thing is, I like being happy. I like being stable. And I'll get to it again. I'm glad this time I have someone on my side who won't let me push him away. He won't take my depression as an insult to him.
It's funny how something so small affects me and puts me down for days at a time. It's like I've got to retrain my brain to let the little things make me happy as well.
Driving this morning I saw the mist covering the mountains. I realized how beautiful the world was. How beautiful it's going to be no matter how I am feeling. So, it's time to start looking for the beauty again.