Thursday, May 9, 2013


Sorry for my absence yesterday. 
I went to see the doctor about a few personal things going on in my life and I mentioned my depression. I'm very against doctors and medication, so it was scary for me. I spent most of the day with anxiety. I brought up my concerns and my answer wasn't great. (I already knew the answer.. but still)  I could get on depression medication or try to cope, and take action when things get bad. Without going into too much detail on my life right now, I opted for the try to cope. 
I've dealt with some sort of depression all my life. It got very bad when I was married but I managed it. It hasn't been too much of a problem until these last few months. Woosh! It's back. Waves of emotions and just a drop in over all happiness. But, I can handle that. I can work with that. I believe I can cure myself with my own thoughts and vitamins and love..
But what scares me is how it will affect my relationship with Sterling. When I was married and depressed we pushed each other away. I didn't want to be touched, I didn't want love.. but I did deep down, I just didn't know how to ask. My ex didn't understand. How could he? I couldn't talk, I couldn't communicate. I am not saying the divorce was caused by this, but I do know it was a key factor. Lack of communication, lack of love just leads to more depression and self hatred.

So, I've been trying to be completely and brutally honest and up front with my depression this time. And if I seriously can't speak to Sterling, I try to write a letter or email and express my feelings. Now that he knows it is NOT his fault, and he is NOT the cause of my depression he knows that he CAN help. Even if it's just sitting near me. Just yesterday, I was frustrated that I was in a hurry, not feeling well and trying to get dinner ready. Sterling was not helping, and I didn't want him to help, but I did. It was a mix of emotions. He asked me, "What can I do? Where do you want me?" I answered, "To be honest, if you are near me I'm gonna be mad. If you leave me I'm gonna be mad. SO we are both screwed." I said it with sass and attitude because that was what I was feeling. He backed off and sat in the dining room while I cooked in the kitchen. But I realized that saying what I was thinking helped me not feel it as much. Communicating does help... but it can be the hardest part. 

I try to let Sterling in on my thoughts and feelings. I try to tell him when to keep me talking, when to let me sit. When to not tell me it's gonna be okay. I feel like the most needy girlfriend in the world! But, I don't like mind games and I don't like expectations. 
The thing is, I like being happy. I like being stable. And I'll get to it again. I'm glad this time I have someone on my side who won't let me push him away. He won't take my depression as an insult to him. 
It's funny how something so small affects me and puts me down for days at a time. It's like I've got to retrain my brain to let the little things make me happy as well. 

Driving this morning I saw the mist covering the mountains. I realized how beautiful the world was. How beautiful it's going to be no matter how I am feeling. So, it's time to start looking for the beauty again. 


  1. True clinical depression, as opposed to emotionally feeling depressed, is a hard, hard thing to live with. We do our best with what we've got, when we've got it, and we try to get through each moment as it comes because that is all we can manage when we are in the midst of a downward cycle. I too manage mine sans medication. For so many reasons, though I wholly support anyone who takes them! It can, and does, hurt those we love, not only ourselves. Being able to get our truth out to them, trying our level best not to hurt, or push them away, is at best, a challenge, and at worst...well, you know, it's sad, painful, ugly...for all involved. Being able to help my husband understand that I struggle to love myself, believe in myself, and deal with all that comes with depression, but that I do love him, believe in him, and yes, need him, was hard, but it saved us. That whole part of wanting them, but not wanting them at the same time, yeah, I get that, completely! Hang in there beautiful, you got this!

  2. I absolutely LOVE my medication. I know most people want a natural source, and some can deal with that, but don't be afraid of the medication, lovely. Sometimes, once you're on medication and doing better, *then* you can find a natural alternative. I know my way of living may not be yours, but I also know a lot of people turn away medication until they simply cannot live with their depression anymore. For Jen and I, with our Bipolar, and anxiety, and my OCD... We *need* that medication in order to live, and be happy and with that living and happiness can we create routine, our own happiness, etc. Like a ladder. Sometimes taking one step up, can lead you to climbing higher and higher. Just a thought, and like I said, I don't mean that you can or SHOULD do this. But the world of therapists, psychiatrists and medication is a wonderful one if you do head down that road.

    I can't offer much on the relationship front, as Jen and I have been extremely talkative, supportive and understanding of each other. Us talking, spending every second of every day together is one reason why we're still around. HOWEVER, I know our relationship with other people, like parents, isn't as easy so I can sort of understand. Sounds like y'all are working on a wonderful system, and I promise everything WILL be better, and communication will become easier. <3

  3. Not sure why you are against medicine or doctors because those things really are beneficial. I am a big supporter of depression awareness. My wife has depression and has gone through many of the same things, (doubts about medicine, etc.), but honestly, when she is on it it makes a huge difference. I think it is sad that there is some idea that depression can be cured or easily coped with. It isn't as simple as that. It is a disease that shouldn't be shunned or viewed as something you can just cope with like a common cold. Diet and exercise can help but ultimately your brain has a chemical imbalance that medicine can help with.

    The change I see (and she see's/feels) in my wife is huge. She can function and communicate better and we get along much better. Again, I don't know your reasons for being against medicine, but if you have true clinical depression I think you need to think more seriously about how to treat it because it will affect your life and your relationship with Sterling. (It can even cause depression in him while he tried to help you through it). I'm not trying to be pushy but I've seen its effects first hand and have experienced what Sterling will have to go through. It's hard on both parties and not worth coping with if it drives you two apart and makes everything you love doing an unbearable chore.

    My sincere advice. Give the meds a shot. Talk to Sterling about this and be open and honest. In the long run you will be happier.

  4. I was on depression medication for about 3 years, and I didn't feel like it made me "happy all the time", it was more of just a "normal". I still had bad days, but I was having more and more good days too. Eventually, I was able to kind of see through the depression fog and see clearly what was causing my depression, which allowed me to cope with it, and I was able to get off my medication completely. I still get depressed every now and then, but I'm better at finding out what triggers it. Things like other people's attitudes (I came home very depressed for a few days after being around some people who were just constantly stressed. Those are not good vibes to be around) to things I eat, to even some medication (like pain medication, and even some forms of birth control make me spiral into a black hole). But the most effective thing is that I've found triggers that help me get out of my depression, like making sure I have lots of natural sunlight and fresh air, a clean home, and that I'm eating well.

    But I think the biggest thing I realized I needed to cope with my depression was a good support system. Growing up, my parents didn't really know how to deal with me, and just didn't understand how I really felt. But my husband, after dealing with my depression for years now, has learned how to help me. I completely understand when you were talking about being mad at Sterling whether he went or stayed, that happens to me all the time! But Bryant has learned very well when to hold me, when I need encouragement, or when I just need him to go in the other room for a while. I seriously don't know where my emotional and mental state would be without him.

    I think in time, you and Sterling will be in a place where you will both be able to take cues from each other. It takes time, and even after you do, it will still be hard sometimes, but that support is what those of us with depression really need, even if we don't feel like we need or want it.

    I'm sending lots of positive thoughts to you! Best of luck!

  5. My medication has literally been a life saver. I wouldn't discount it because it isn't natural. I was very wary at first but I think looking back it was because I saw it as admitting defeat. I thought if I took medication it somehow affirming that I wasn't good enough. It helps me to remember that my depression is an illness and not a personality flaw. I am not defined by it any more than someone with diabetes, its just one part of me. If you have a good doctor they will listen to your concerns and if you decide to try it, then try you on a low dose. There are also lots of anti depressants out there so sometimes one doesn't work but another does. My psychiatrist has tried me on 4 over the years and the one I'm on now really is amazing. It has cleared a lot of the fog and I feel more like me than I have for years.

  6. Oh, have I been there. And it's so hard to deal with when the people you love don't respond in the way you need-- but Sterling seems amazing. That is so great. What I went through-- I was on meds then moved home, and my parent's insurance didn't cover anything, so I got off of them. Then relapsed big time. Only when I started on St. John's Wort did I get stable enough to start being able to take care of myself- eating well, exercising, seeing that bit of light again. So that's what worked for me. But everyone is different. Hang in there! From what I know of you from your blog, you seem like an excellent person, a very talented person, and you deserve all of the best! And you will get it- in time.

  7. Hello Rachel--I am new to your blog and not even sure how I found my way here. The Universe has a way of putting people together who can learn something from each other--maybe that's it. I have experience in this realm with my own depression and I choose to go the medication route because I came to the realization that I couldn't will my chemical imbalance corrected. No amount of "pulling myself up by the boot straps" or pretending to be fine could be sustained for long. Sometimes it's hard to realize how bad you are until you are out of the fog of depression. Only afterward was I able to see that. I wish you well with whatever you choose.

  8. Hi Rachel,

    Medication is not for everyone but please PLEASE, going on medication is NOT a sign of weakness, nor will it rob you of your creativity. It took me 3 tries to find the one that was right for me. Without it, I fear to even think where I might be or what I might've done.

    If one more person told me to "take a walk" and I'd feel better....well. Nature and music give me life. Without my medication, even they became - nothing.

    Again to each his or her own, but it did help me. Saved me AND my marriage.

    Take care,

  9. Everyone's body reacts differently, and medication could be what works for you, but from my experience, medication is just a quick fix. A year ago, I was prescribed ADHD medication, anti-anxiety medication, and finally I was put on an anti-depressant. The ADHD meds made me a zombie and eventually gave my anxiety (which led to my anti-anxiety meds) and everything else just went downhill soon after. My body began reacting oddly to food and while I was actually have minor allergic reactions, I was seeing a neurologist who decided to put me on an anti-depressant. I took the medication ONCE and I had to be taken to the ER by an ambulance because I was fainting and throwing up with a very slow heartbeat. Although I didn't have a classic allergic reaction, the doctors wrote my reaction off as such. After that night, I got off of ALL of my medications because I was afraid of what it was doing to my body. The month that followed was HELL, there's no other way to describe it. But, after that month, I slowly began to feel better and "normal" again. Your case is probably not such, but I thought I'd offer my experience as a warning to show that pharmacuticals shouldn't be taken lightly and to some people, like me, can be extremely detrimental and hard on the body.

    You might want to have an allergy test done before you try any prescribed medications. I had an allergy panel done, and I happened to be allergic to quite a lot of things but only in minor ways. Many allergies, if they're minor, can present themselves through anxiety, ADHD symptoms, and even depression! After I cut out the foods I was told that I was allergic to, I felt 100% within about a week. I'm healthy and happier than ever before :)

    I know that it might be unlikely that the same could be affecting you too, but I think that trying anything before pharmacuticals is always worth a shot!

    Good luck, the universe loves you<3.


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