I'm not exactly sure what this post will be about.. I'm not sure what I'm going to type. For some reason my heart feels a little troubled. I'm really not sure why. I guess I'm starting to feel a little trapped. I hate when I feel trapped and dependent on others. I want to live my own life, my way, with my rules. I want to be free. I feel a bit as though I've been knocked off my feet and I'm still trying to stand up.
I often find myself daydreaming about the future when I have my own apartment and my own car. It's not that I don't like living with my family. I just need that feeling of independence again..
I got pretty good at being on my own.
Now someone says, "But Rachael, you were married.. you weren't alone."
And I respond, "You have no idea..."
And sometimes I wish I could fast forward time a bit.. to where I have plenty of money and my own little apartment. Fast forwarding time would cut out a lot of this suffering, worry and stress..
But then I think of all the lessons I'm learning, and how this whole ordeal is actually making me a stronger, better person.. even though I can't see it right now.
So I turn off my bedside lamp and snuggle up with my puppy.. I hide under the covers while looking through my phone at saved texts, and sweet pictures until I drift off to sleep.
Because tomorrow is another day.
an X on a calender,
a piece to a puzzle,
and a brushstroke to a painting.
And after everything, every tragedy, heartbreak, tear, and sleepless night...
I will make my life a masterpiece.