Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Thoughts, Plans and Worries

I cut my hair today, just a little trim. I try and do that once a month, for some reason my hair grows so fast lately. When it was long, it grew at a snails pace. Maybe that's just how it goes... when you want short hair, it grows super fast. When you want long hair it grows really slow.
So today I took a pair of scissors and started chopping. Cutting my hair is therapeutic for me.. I'm not sure why. There is just nothing like changing my hair. I used to dye it and bleach it a lot.. but for now I am content with keeping it short. Even though short hair is not ideal for the cold winters of Utah..
Utah has the most beautiful sunsets around.. It's true. But sadly, I don't plan on living in Utah all my life. I'm hoping to move back to North Carolina in the next couple of years... I just felt so wonderful there. I cried when I left, almost like I was leaving a piece of me behind there. A piece that I found in North Carolina, and then had to leave. North Carolina was where I learned to knit, crochet and where I started painting again. I get excited every time I hear the word North Carolina, or when I send a hat there. It is silly.. but I will go back.
I have a plan to get there... First it includes me getting out of debt, and getting a car and saving up and saving up until I can move there. I'm hoping to accomplish this all within the year. Oh how I would love to be in North Carolina for the New Year. After all, they have an Acorn Drop instead of New York's Ball Drop.
It is strange living at home again. I moved out when I was 18, and now I'm back 4 years later. I feel like I am upsetting everyone's natural order... So I am hoping to get into a small apartment before I move to NC.
Thoughts of the future stress me out a little bit. I know what kind of life I want to live.. but it's the small steps to get there that scare me. Sadly the small steps include making, paying or saving money. I don't like that idea.. but I can not live with my parents forever.
Though I am truly grateful to them..
Since I have been home I have discovered I am allergic to gluten. I used to get migraines and headaches daily.. When I talked to my mom about it, she mentioned gluten gave her headaches, and same with my brother. So I went off gluten for about 2 weeks and was headache free! It was amazing, then one day I got a little piece of bread, and BAM!  Headache was back. So I have been staying away from gluten.
My mom makes delicious gluten free bread. I plan to share the recipe someday soon. Being gluten free definitely has it's downs though. I can no longer grab top ramen or pizza if I am hungry. I can't go get burgers or chicken nuggets. I can't even make a sandwich without making the bread first. Sadly when I feel like a snack, I eat a salad or rice crackers.
I no longer get headaches or migraines, but I noticed one day, my bra no longer stays on.. and my pants kept falling down. I weighed myself and noticed I had lost 14 pounds since starting this gluten free diet. I have always been a skinny girl, but I now I am a bit worried... since I never thought I would weigh this much after hitting puberty.

And so I have been stressing about that on top of all the money, living, and car stresses. I knew it would be hard when I left. I knew I would have to take it one step at a time. I knew it would get harder before it got easier. I left a pretty good financial situation, and a life where I probably wouldn't have to work much for the rest of my life. I knew that I was giving that up, where I would have to live with my parents again, and save up and work work work.

At least I know, everything will be alright. Late at night when I am all stressed out from making hats, paying bills and being divorced at age 22.. I snuggle up next to my little puppy and think about how lucky I am. I have some amazing people in my life who make me a happy girl. I am lucky because I get to make hats and art all day.. I am lucky to not need a regular job, and I hope to never need one again. Thoughts like these pass through my mind and I take a deep breath and I know, Everything will be alright. Money doesn't define me. Marital status doesn't define me. A job doesn't define me and neither does school.

Right now I'm just Rachael. And that is enough.


  1. Life is really hard sometimes but the results and rewards are awesome. Just think how you will feel when you, all yourself have saved up enough to get yourself to NC.

    Oh, and the gluten free thing: When I first went gluten free I lost a bit of weight as well (I lost around 15kilos) but it's because 'unhealthy' choices usually mean gluten. So you tend to go for healthy just because it's easier. It does balance after a wee bit though.

    Big Hugs to you

  2. i was scrolling through older entries trying to catch up on your blog and am so sorry to hear what you are going through. i'm glad to see a few smiles and moments of beauty in your photos from the past month certainly are enough, hang in there!

  3. As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives. -Thoreau

    You will do it friend.

  4. I use to have the same problems with headaches and migraines when I was a baby I was allergic to wheat, but over the years started to eat it again. I felt lousy all of the time, and the headaches were aweful!! I was diagnosed with Celiac when I was 16, I have a hard time eating. BUT I have found ways, if you want any tips just let me know. Basically eating out is really hard, but some restaraunts and fast food joints suprisingly have gluten free items. You just have to be "picky" and persistant while ordering. After a while though it gets easier, it sucks still not being able to eat pizza.. but you find other things. I'm sorry about your divorce, that must be quite hard! Stay strong, you are a beautiful strong woman~I can tell just by reading your blog!
    P.S. good luck getting out to NC :)

  5. I know its hard living back with parents after living out of home for a while, but at least you will be able to save money quicker that way. I love the picture taken through the fabric btw. I know a few people who are Celiac and you have to be really careful with product labelling, the other day I came across a bag of organic "Gluten Free" potato chips and on the back of the pack it said may contain traces of Gluten.

  6. Im allergic to gluten to.. its sad. :( it takes for ever to make food ha ha.. and life is hard.. but it will be ok. :) Let me know if you every need anything im right up the street kinda.. ha ha. =P

  7. Learning to deal with new things and change and stress is hard work, for sure...

    I bookmarked these recipes for gluten-free desserts to share with a friend. In case you have a sweet tooth:

  8. I love your optimism! It's really inspiring. Your hair is really adorable, & I understand the divorced status at age 22... Mine was actually age 20. :) You'll pull through it!

  9. I have to say. I've had plans on going back to NC for some years now. I think once I've got my bachelors I am going to try and go to UNC for my Masters and Ph.D. I love it there. There is probably not a better place in . . . The US.

    Anyway. Hadn't spoken to you for a while. How you're ok.

  10. I know you're going to be better than alright... working hard will be god for you, and you will make it out on your own, and love it. DOn't put too much of a time limit on yourself though, just get it done in healthy ways so yo're strong... I have always been thin too, When I went vegan I lost a l lot of weight, but now I'm just vegetarian, and I don't eat too much gluten, but it doesn't bother me. I eat as much protein as possible. vegetarian proteins like nuts legumes seeds eggs and beans... I will be cheering you on, as you make this journey... I'm excited for you :)

  11. hi there!

    i have been reading your blog for a while, checking in now and then and following what you have been going through. I'm not sure exactly what more to say except I admire you. You are finding this strength and looking for the good, maybe sometimes you don't feel so strong or see yourself that way... but you are. I am excited to see where you are a year from now!

    You also made me think about trying out avoiding gluten. I suffer from migraines as well. But it would be so hard since I live in Peru right now, and it would be hard to get ingredients. I'm going to give it some thought... Thanks for sharing about your life!

  12. You are such a beautiful and inspiring gal and I know that, even though life seems ruff right now, you will pull through and be stronger because of it. I love your optimism and beautiful outlook on life.
    PS I LOVE your hair!! I can not believe you cut it yourself!! It looks FANTASTIC!! I am getting my hair cut this weekend and I realllllly want to bring in a photo of your hair!! {But I once had my hair that short and it took FOREVER to grown longer, so now I am just thinking of a short bob} But you look sooooooo cute and one day I reallllly want to have cute hair like yours!!!
    Have a wonderful day friend!!!

  13. Seeing the good side of things is a talent. As long as you keep doing that, nothing will truly erode you... :)

    I, too, find cutting my own hair therapeutic. I started doing it back in 1999 and haven't stopped since!
    I love the fact that they drop an Acorn on New Year in NC! I've been entertaining the idea of spending some time in Penland (the school of crafts in northern NC. Have you heard of it?) It has been -foggily- foretold that I will live in NC at some point or another, and your pining for it has made me really curious...

  14. i just cut my hair yesterday too! you are so right, everything will be alright regardless, and you are enough. i need to remember those things as well.

  15. Hi Rachael,

    I just bought one of your hats a few days ago and sort of wandered onto your blog. I have to say, reading this post in particular was very therapeutic for me. I left home when I was 19, lived on my own for a bit, moved in with my long-term boyfriend... and then we broke up. It's certainly not the same as a divorce, but after a six-year-long relationship, It was a major change and it meant I had to go move back in with my parents, which is where I am now.

    Sometimes when I think about the ways I've screwed up and life just hasn't worked out as I wanted it to, it can become so overwhelming. Health problems (complete with massive medical bills), heartbreak, student loans, job worries... it's so easy to get bogged down in the negative and disappointing that you start to wonder what the point is. But when I read this post, I knew exactly what you meant: sometimes I look at my shelves full of books and my fantastic friends and my loving and lovely family and the fact that I live in a beautiful place and think, just like you, that it's okay. Everything will be all right.

    So thank you so much for the eloquent reminder that I am not alone (and hopefully all these comments have helped you remember that you are not alone), and I so sincerely hope that 2011 brings only positive changes to your life, and that things start getting better soon.

    Cheers from the beautiful Pacific Northwest,

  16. Rachael....where do you get your wisdom and how can I get some of my own? I keep looking for things to define me, things like school and my's awesome that you've realized you are who you are with or without the other stuff. I really admire you for that.

  17. Rachel thank you for sharing your thoughts on your blog and the beginning of another journey. I know you will get back to North Carolina. You said that you learned to knit and crochet there. Have you thought about teaching others this wonderful skill? Perhaps another way to make an income. Love your art!


  18. I know you most likely hear this more than often, but you are a beautiful person, physically and emotionally.

  19. Power to the short haired chicks! :D I too love North Carolina... I found something of myself there and had to leave. I love getting to go back to visit. Last but not least- your blog rocks.


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