Hopeful and Heartfelt

I hope this post won't seem more negative than I intended. 

It is actually a lot more heartfelt than negative. Promise.

It's been quite the year. 

Full of ups and downs, losses and gains.

My goodness, 

I hope this next year will be a little calmer.

Just in this last year I have:

Moved cross country.

Got a divorce.

Met my current boyfriend Brad.

Found out I'm allergic to gluten,

dropped about 12 pounds.. and lost a lot of favorite foods.

Lost my best pal Mowgli,

Gained two new furry pals Wicket and Charlie.

Got a car, 

then lost the car (It's still broken)

Moved into my own tiny tiny apartment,

which flooded just a few weeks ago, 

resulting in many lost paintings.

And those are just the big things..

The little things add up too!

This year has seriously taught me the meaning of balance. 

That all things come and go.

Even the ones we love the very most.

Nothing is ever for certain....

And one time you are up, 

and the next moment you are down. 

Like a giant see-saw. 

And no one stays up for too long...

but we never stay down for too long either.

And I'm going to be completely honest with you right now... because this is my blog, and I'm allowed to do that.... I think this year has tried to kill me. I feel like I've been down for long enough. I feel like it's my turn to be on top. But I haven't felt that little rush of the see-saw going up in a very long time. Maybe this see-saw isn't the kind that goes up fast, and maybe it's a gradual climb.. but I just wish I could start to feel something. Because from what it seems..  the moment I start to get happy, something else terrible comes along. It's gotten to the point where I'm afraid to be happy! 

How's that for negativity? 

That's probably the most negative thing I've ever said on this blog. But the things is, I'm serious. 

I know I've had a lot of gains in all those losses. I don't fail to recognize the good in life, there always is some light behind the clouds... but to be honest, I'm tired of looking for that. I'm tired of being the one to stay positive and smile anyways. I'm sick of smiling and being happy when the world is crumbling. I'm sick of being positive through the negative... I'm just wanting to be positive through the positive for a while. But I guess we never get to make that choice.

And maybe next year won't be so rough. 

Maybe next year I won't have to be so tough.

But, like I've said before, 

we don't get years, or weeks.. 

We only get moments.

Life is hard guys.

And it's hard for everyone. Not just me..

Who knows why we go through what we go through.

Maybe it's to learn, maybe it's an opportunity to teach.

Maybe it's to appreciate the little glimpses and moments of happiness more. 

And now I say this, with tears in my eyes, and tissues on my lap,

because this was a hard post to write..

I hope this for everyone..

I hope next year is better.

I hope next year has more ups than downs.

I hope for more gains than losses...

And if we can't have that.. 

then I hope for more apparent reasons for the losses.

And now I say this, with an actual groan in my throat.. 

Uggghhh, you know what?

Even if next year plays out just like this year..

Even if next year is just as rough.

I promise to still be happy through it.

I promise to still find the light behind the clouds.

And I hope you will too.

And now I must end this post, because I ran out of tissues. 

But don't be worried about me. I really just needed to vent. 

I'm feeling better, and hopeful. 

And a little bad for being so negative. 

But I won't go back and delete, 

because honesty is the best policy.

Happy New Years Eve Eve..

Tomorrow is my classy, sparkly party.

And I'm going to send this year off with a bang.

And eat lots of black eyed peas for extra luck!